Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Hiccups....

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young
new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor
told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older
doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to
her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
'What is wrong with you?' he demanded. 'This woman is 63 years old,
she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her
she was pregnant?!!

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking
up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Monday, April 21, 2008

Two Lady Ranchers

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram
to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says,
'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for
our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out
here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.'
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only
be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking,
she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out
here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly....'com-for-da-bul.....'

Two Lady Ranchers

two lady ranchers,

Sunday, April 20, 2008

The Cowboy and The Biker

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'Once, on a trip
to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,I came upon a gang of bikers,
who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her
alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most
heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple minutes ago.....'

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The Cowboy and The Lesbian

THE COWBOY AND THE LESBIAN --
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts,
working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,
baling hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats,
working on tractors, and feeding my dogs -- so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower,
I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes
me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
The Cowboy replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that
I'm a lesbian.....'

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Helo-soft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot
could not determine the helicopter's position.

Then pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a
handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign,
and held it in a building window.

Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved,
looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and
landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how
he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless answer!!"

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Corporate Organization

Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg were all close friends since childhood.
They decided they wanted to go into business together.

Schwartz says: 'OK! I'll invest $100,000.'
Cohen says: '' I will go for $200,000'.
Ginsburg says: All right, I'll put in $1000.'

Cohen says: 'If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President
and CEO of the corporation. You Schwartz, for your $100,000,
you can be Vice President and CFO, and Ginsburg, for your $1000,
you will be our Sexual Adviser.'

Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen: 'What is a Sexual Adviser?'
Cohen replies: 'When we want your #@$%^* advice, we'll ask for it!!'

Sunday, April 6, 2008

THE PRIEST'S CODE WORD

PRIEST CODE WORD
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess
to adultery, I'll quit!!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.

Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This
seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died
at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited
the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking
about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told
the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger
at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about,
your wife fell three times this week!!"