Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry. She told him,
'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in
less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER
BE THERE!!!'
The next morning Ed got up early and left
for work. When his wife woke up she looked
out the window and sure enough there was
a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the
driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran
out to the driveway, and brought the box
back into the house. She opened it and
found a brand new Bathroom Scale!!
Ed has been missing since Friday....
Please pray for him.
#####
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
HUMOR FROM OUR TROOPS
Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've
retained their sense of humor with the
following...
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you
have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and
$5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare
left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles:
bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you
HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but
routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell
phones have uses other than setting off
roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase,
'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and
think every man should own at least one
11. You bathe at least monthly whether
necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbor's
goat.
#####
retained their sense of humor with the
following...
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you
have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and
$5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare
left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
5. You think vests come in two styles:
bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you
HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but
routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell
phones have uses other than setting off
roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase,
'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and
think every man should own at least one
11. You bathe at least monthly whether
necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbor's
goat.
#####
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
MORE QUICKIES
______________________________________________________________
"I've got the biggest sheep farm in the region," a farmer boasted to his neighbour.
"Oh yeah?" challenged the neighbour. "So, how many sheep do you have?"
"I don't know," said the farmer. "Every time I try to count them, I fall asleep."
______________________________________________________________
A 10-year-old boy is tested at school on the subject of hibernation. The first question was: "Into what state of inactivity do animals go during the winter months?"
His answer: Florida
______________________________________________________________
"Hindsight: It's like foresight, but without a future." - Kevin Kline
______________________________________________________________
You know a guy's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
"I've got the biggest sheep farm in the region," a farmer boasted to his neighbour.
"Oh yeah?" challenged the neighbour. "So, how many sheep do you have?"
"I don't know," said the farmer. "Every time I try to count them, I fall asleep."
______________________________________________________________
A 10-year-old boy is tested at school on the subject of hibernation. The first question was: "Into what state of inactivity do animals go during the winter months?"
His answer: Florida
______________________________________________________________
"Hindsight: It's like foresight, but without a future." - Kevin Kline
______________________________________________________________
You know a guy's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
Monday, July 28, 2008
QUICKIES
New Words
Taunt-0: The Lone Ranger's first Indian sidekick, who called him Kemo-slobby.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.
______________________________________________________________
A driver gets his car stuck in a mud hole on a farmer's property. The farmer offers to pull him out for out for 20 bucks. "Yours is the 10th car I've rescued today," says the farmer.
"Wow!" says the driver. "When do you work your land?
At night?"
"Oh no, at night is when I fill this hole with water."
______________________________________________________________
Scientists in Argentina have dug up the fossilized remains of a two-legged snake. They believe the creature is a direct ancestor of the modern-day lawyer.
Taunt-0: The Lone Ranger's first Indian sidekick, who called him Kemo-slobby.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.
______________________________________________________________
A driver gets his car stuck in a mud hole on a farmer's property. The farmer offers to pull him out for out for 20 bucks. "Yours is the 10th car I've rescued today," says the farmer.
"Wow!" says the driver. "When do you work your land?
At night?"
"Oh no, at night is when I fill this hole with water."
______________________________________________________________
Scientists in Argentina have dug up the fossilized remains of a two-legged snake. They believe the creature is a direct ancestor of the modern-day lawyer.
TEACHER COMMENTS
These are actual comments made on students'
report cards by teachers in the New York City
public school system. All teachers were
reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached
rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village some where
of an 'idiot'. (call hillary)
5. Your son sets low personal standards, and
then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks
the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too
much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she
should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing,
but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd
have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that
created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is
definitely dead!
These 16 Police Comments were taken off
actual police car videos around the country
13. "You know, stop lights don't come any
redder than the one you just went through."
14. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because
they're new. They stretch after awhile."
15. "If you take your hands off the car,
I'll make your birth certificate a worthless
document."
16. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
17. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per
second? Because that's the speed of the
bullet that'll be chasing you."
18. "You don't know how fast you were
going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
19. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift
supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I am the shift
supervisor?"
20. "Warning! You want a warning? OK.,
I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll
give you another ticket."
21. "The answer to this last question will
determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
22. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair
is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat
cotton candy and corn dogs and step in
monkey poop."
23. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets
and my wife gets a toaster oven ."
24. "In God we trust, all others we run through
NCIC."
25. "How big were those 'two beers' you say
you had?"
26. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.
We used to, but now we're allowed to write
as many tickets as we can."
27. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police)
is a personal friend of yours. So you know
someone who can post your bail.
AND THE WINNER IS....
28. "You didn't think we give pretty women
tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!!"
#####
report cards by teachers in the New York City
public school system. All teachers were
reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached
rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village some where
of an 'idiot'. (call hillary)
5. Your son sets low personal standards, and
then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks
the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too
much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she
should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing,
but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd
have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that
created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is
definitely dead!
These 16 Police Comments were taken off
actual police car videos around the country
13. "You know, stop lights don't come any
redder than the one you just went through."
14. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because
they're new. They stretch after awhile."
15. "If you take your hands off the car,
I'll make your birth certificate a worthless
document."
16. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
17. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per
second? Because that's the speed of the
bullet that'll be chasing you."
18. "You don't know how fast you were
going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
19. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift
supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I am the shift
supervisor?"
20. "Warning! You want a warning? OK.,
I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll
give you another ticket."
21. "The answer to this last question will
determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
22. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair
is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat
cotton candy and corn dogs and step in
monkey poop."
23. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets
and my wife gets a toaster oven ."
24. "In God we trust, all others we run through
NCIC."
25. "How big were those 'two beers' you say
you had?"
26. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.
We used to, but now we're allowed to write
as many tickets as we can."
27. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police)
is a personal friend of yours. So you know
someone who can post your bail.
AND THE WINNER IS....
28. "You didn't think we give pretty women
tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!!"
#####
Sunday, July 27, 2008
MEN NEVER LEARN.....
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with
a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took
the box and promised to put it in the Crew's
refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding
her personally responsible for the crabs staying
frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out.
She was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before
landing in New York , she announced over the
intercom to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me a case of
crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up.... so she took them home
and ate them herself.
Men never learn!
#####
a box of frozen crabs. A female crew member took
the box and promised to put it in the Crew's
refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding
her personally responsible for the crabs staying
frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out.
She was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before
landing in New York , she announced over the
intercom to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me a case of
crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up.... so she took them home
and ate them herself.
Men never learn!
#####
Saturday, July 26, 2008
BURIAL AT SEA
Bubbles and Barbie, two blond sisters had
promised their Uncle, who had been a sea-
faring gentleman all his life, to bury him at
sea when he died. Of course, in due time,
he did pass away and the two blonds kept
their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with
their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag
and loaded onto their rowboat. After a
while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out
far enough, Barbie?'
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the
water only knee deep said, 'nope, not yet
Bubbles'.
So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles
asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far
enough now?
Once again, Barbie slips over the side and
almost immediately says, 'No, this will never
do, the water is only up to my chest.
So on they row and row and row, and finally
Barbie slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles
is really getting worried when suddenly
Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.
She says,'OK, it's finally deep enough.
Hand me the shovel....'
#####
promised their Uncle, who had been a sea-
faring gentleman all his life, to bury him at
sea when he died. Of course, in due time,
he did pass away and the two blonds kept
their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with
their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag
and loaded onto their rowboat. After a
while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out
far enough, Barbie?'
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the
water only knee deep said, 'nope, not yet
Bubbles'.
So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles
asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out far
enough now?
Once again, Barbie slips over the side and
almost immediately says, 'No, this will never
do, the water is only up to my chest.
So on they row and row and row, and finally
Barbie slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles
is really getting worried when suddenly
Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath.
She says,'OK, it's finally deep enough.
Hand me the shovel....'
#####
Friday, July 25, 2008
JEWISH RYE
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting
on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning
jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year
old was amazed at his friend's stamina and
asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye
bread every day!"
It keeps your energy level high and you have
great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at
the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady
asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.
Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves.
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time
you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard".
He replied, "I can't believe it -- everybody in the
world knows about this but me!!"
#####
on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning
jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year
old was amazed at his friend's stamina and
asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye
bread every day!"
It keeps your energy level high and you have
great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at
the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady
asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Jewish rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.
Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves.
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time
you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard".
He replied, "I can't believe it -- everybody in the
world knows about this but me!!"
#####
Thursday, July 24, 2008
LAWS OF LIFE
THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
& Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands
become coated with grease, your nose will begin
to itch and you'll have to pee.
& Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will
roll to the least accessible corner.
& Law of Probability -The probability of being
watched is directly proportional to the stupidity
of your act.
& Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong
number, you never get a busy signal and someone
always answers.
& Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were
late for work because you had a flat tire, the very
next morning you will have a flat tire.
& Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic
lanes), the one you were in will always move
aster than the one you are in now (works
every time).
& Law of the Bath - When the body is fully
immersed in water, the telephone rings.
& Law of Close Encounters-The probability of
meeting someone you know increases
dramatically when you are with someone you
don't want to be seen with.
& Law of the Result -When you try to prove to
someone that a machine won't work, it will.
& Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch
is inversely proportional to the reach.
& Law of the Theater - At any event, the people
whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.
& The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down
to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to
do something which will last until the coffee
is cold.
& Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only
two people in a locker room, they will have
adjacent lockers.
& Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an
open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on
a floor covering are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
& Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible
if you don't know what you are talking about.
& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the
clothes fit, they're ugly.
& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed
mouth gathers no feet.
& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing
Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you
really like, they will stop making it.
& Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an
appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you
get there you'll feel better. Don't make an
appointment and you'll stay sick.
#####
& Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands
become coated with grease, your nose will begin
to itch and you'll have to pee.
& Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will
roll to the least accessible corner.
& Law of Probability -The probability of being
watched is directly proportional to the stupidity
of your act.
& Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong
number, you never get a busy signal and someone
always answers.
& Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were
late for work because you had a flat tire, the very
next morning you will have a flat tire.
& Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic
lanes), the one you were in will always move
aster than the one you are in now (works
every time).
& Law of the Bath - When the body is fully
immersed in water, the telephone rings.
& Law of Close Encounters-The probability of
meeting someone you know increases
dramatically when you are with someone you
don't want to be seen with.
& Law of the Result -When you try to prove to
someone that a machine won't work, it will.
& Law of Biomechanics- The severity of the itch
is inversely proportional to the reach.
& Law of the Theater - At any event, the people
whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.
& The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down
to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to
do something which will last until the coffee
is cold.
& Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only
two people in a locker room, they will have
adjacent lockers.
& Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an
open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on
a floor covering are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
& Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible
if you don't know what you are talking about.
& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the
clothes fit, they're ugly.
& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed
mouth gathers no feet.
& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing
Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you
really like, they will stop making it.
& Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an
appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you
get there you'll feel better. Don't make an
appointment and you'll stay sick.
#####
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
BEING CAREFUL ON DATES
A man is lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next
hour just stroking his penis, something she
seems to love to do.
Enjoying it, he turns and asks her,
'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine....'
#####
After having great sex, she spends the next
hour just stroking his penis, something she
seems to love to do.
Enjoying it, he turns and asks her,
'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine....'
#####
CHILD PSYCHOLOGY
A psychiatrist was conducting a group
therapy session with four young Mothers
and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said,
'You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann:
'Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name,
Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce:
'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy,
quietly got up, took her little boy by the
hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick,
we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and
Willy are waiting for us!!''
#####
therapy session with four young Mothers
and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said,
'You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann:
'Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name,
Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce:
'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy,
quietly got up, took her little boy by the
hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick,
we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and
Willy are waiting for us!!''
#####
Monday, July 21, 2008
DOUBLE ENTENDRES
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres
ever aired on British TV and radio
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her
mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew
Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes
inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator -
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw
her snatch this morning and it was amazing!!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge
boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife
of the Cambridge President is kissing the
Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons
Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is
that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out
his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !!
What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the
Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after
it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you
promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but
half the crew did too, because they were
laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after
a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot
dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing
like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold
night like this.'
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker
shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry
jumps on Steve Davis' misses every chance
he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa
Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer
for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse
coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out
there, they're rubbing each other and he's
only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer
Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson
lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,
other weeks he prefers to do it by himself....'
#####
ever aired on British TV and radio
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her
mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew
Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes
inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator -
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw
her snatch this morning and it was amazing!!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge
boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife
of the Cambridge President is kissing the
Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons
Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is
that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out
his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !!
What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the
Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after
it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you
promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but
half the crew did too, because they were
laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after
a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot
dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing
like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold
night like this.'
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker
shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry
jumps on Steve Davis' misses every chance
he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa
Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer
for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse
coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out
there, they're rubbing each other and he's
only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer
Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson
lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny,
other weeks he prefers to do it by himself....'
#####
FIRST DATE
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
to meet, and have dinner with, her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but, as he has never had sex
before, he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's
his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy
for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist
asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy,
a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks
he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents'
house and meets his irlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,come
on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's arents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement
from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist!!'
#####
to meet, and have dinner with, her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but, as he has never had sex
before, he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's
his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy
for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist
asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy,
a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks
he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents'
house and meets his irlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,come
on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's arents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement
from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist!!'
#####
Sunday, July 20, 2008
STRANDED
Two men are shipwrecked on a desolate island.
One of the men starts wailing and moaning,
"There's no food here, and no water to drink.
We're gonna die! We're gonna die!"
The second man, his body casually propped up
against a tree, just shrugged.
"Didn't you hear what I said? No food, no water,"
the other man cried. "Don't you understand?"
"No, you don't understand," said the second
man calmly. "I make a $100,000 a week."
Dumbfounded, the first man angrily glared at
him. "What the hell difference does THAT make?
We're on this God-forsaken island with no food
to eat, no water to drink! And we are going to
DIE here!"
"Look, I make a $100,000 a week and donate
10% of that to the church," the second man
said. "My pastor will find me soon enough!!"
#####
One of the men starts wailing and moaning,
"There's no food here, and no water to drink.
We're gonna die! We're gonna die!"
The second man, his body casually propped up
against a tree, just shrugged.
"Didn't you hear what I said? No food, no water,"
the other man cried. "Don't you understand?"
"No, you don't understand," said the second
man calmly. "I make a $100,000 a week."
Dumbfounded, the first man angrily glared at
him. "What the hell difference does THAT make?
We're on this God-forsaken island with no food
to eat, no water to drink! And we are going to
DIE here!"
"Look, I make a $100,000 a week and donate
10% of that to the church," the second man
said. "My pastor will find me soon enough!!"
#####
Saturday, July 19, 2008
FAMILY PROBLEM
Dear Abby:
I've never written to you before, but I
really need your advice. I have suspected
for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signals, the
phone rings but if I answer, the caller
hangs up. My wife has been going out
"with the girls" a lot recently, although
when I ask their names she always says,
"Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for
her coming home, but I usually fall
asleep. Anyway, I have never approached
the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth,
but last night she went out again, and I
decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the
garage behind my golf clubs so Icould get
a good view of the street when she arrived
home from a night out with "the girls".
When she got out of the car she was
buttoning up her blouse, which was open,
and she took her panties out of her purse
and slipped them on. It was at that moment,
in my garage, crouching behind my
golfclubs, that I noticed that the graphite
shaft on my driver appeared to have a
hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or
should I take it back to the pro shop
where I bought it?
Sincerely,
A Concerned Golfer
#####
I've never written to you before, but I
really need your advice. I have suspected
for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signals, the
phone rings but if I answer, the caller
hangs up. My wife has been going out
"with the girls" a lot recently, although
when I ask their names she always says,
"Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for
her coming home, but I usually fall
asleep. Anyway, I have never approached
the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth,
but last night she went out again, and I
decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the
garage behind my golf clubs so Icould get
a good view of the street when she arrived
home from a night out with "the girls".
When she got out of the car she was
buttoning up her blouse, which was open,
and she took her panties out of her purse
and slipped them on. It was at that moment,
in my garage, crouching behind my
golfclubs, that I noticed that the graphite
shaft on my driver appeared to have a
hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or
should I take it back to the pro shop
where I bought it?
Sincerely,
A Concerned Golfer
#####
RETIREMENT PROJECTS
When asked, "What do you older people do now
that you're retired?" the old man thought for a
moment, then replied:
"Well, I have a friend who has a chemistry
background, and one of the things we enjoy
most is turning beer, bourbon, scotch, gin,
vodka, and wine into urine -- and, by golly,
we're pretty darn good at it!!"
#####
that you're retired?" the old man thought for a
moment, then replied:
"Well, I have a friend who has a chemistry
background, and one of the things we enjoy
most is turning beer, bourbon, scotch, gin,
vodka, and wine into urine -- and, by golly,
we're pretty darn good at it!!"
#####
NEW BABY
Wedding of the Wongs
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings in a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a caucasian, baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and
Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think
we will name him... (Are you ready for this?)
"Sum Ting Wong"
#####
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings in a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a caucasian, baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and
Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think
we will name him... (Are you ready for this?)
"Sum Ting Wong"
#####
AN AMISH FARMER
An Amish farmer walking through his field
notices a man drinking from his pond, with
his hand.
The Amish man shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben
dahin gesheissen.'
(Which means: 'Don't drink the water,
the cows have shit in it.')
The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim,
I don't understand your gibberish.
Speak English, infidel!'
The Amish man says:
'Use two hands, you'll get more!!'
#####
notices a man drinking from his pond, with
his hand.
The Amish man shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben
dahin gesheissen.'
(Which means: 'Don't drink the water,
the cows have shit in it.')
The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim,
I don't understand your gibberish.
Speak English, infidel!'
The Amish man says:
'Use two hands, you'll get more!!'
#####
Friday, July 18, 2008
CHURCHES AND CASINOS
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF
YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE
ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS!
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT
SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS
RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT
CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD
TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS
TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR
SORTING, AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE
CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS....
(YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?)
#####
YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE
ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS!
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT
SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS
RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT
CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD
TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS
TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR
SORTING, AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE
CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS....
(YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?)
#####
Thursday, July 17, 2008
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
**************************
At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
**************************
On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
**************************
At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in
and get fed up.
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
**************************
At a Towing company:
We don't charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff.
**************************
On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
**************************
At the Electric Company
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in
and get fed up.
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We'll wait...
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
Best place in town to take a leak
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
CHURCH LOGIC
There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby
so he went to the Congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed
a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded,
so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to
discuss the Pastor's salary. There Was much yelling
and bickering about how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd,
'Children are a Gift from God,' he said.
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the
room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
said,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
much of it, we wear rubbers.'
And theCongregation said, 'Amen!!'
#####
so he went to the Congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed
a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded,
so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to
discuss the Pastor's salary. There Was much yelling
and bickering about how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd,
'Children are a Gift from God,' he said.
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the
room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
said,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
much of it, we wear rubbers.'
And theCongregation said, 'Amen!!'
#####
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
THE POPE AND THE RABBI
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the
Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community,
so the Pope offered a deal.
He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the
Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay
in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convertor leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise
rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the
rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish,
they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite
each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a
chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself
beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked
him what had happened.
The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding
up a single finger to remind me there is still only
one God common to both our beliefs.
'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show
him that God was all around us. He responded by
pointing to the ground to show that God was also
right here with us.
'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God
absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple
to remind me of the original sin.
'He bested me at every move and I could not
continue.'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to
ask the rabbi how he'd won.
'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me
that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I
gave him the finger.'
'Then he tells me that the whole country would
be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were
staying right here.'
'And then what?' asked a woman.
'Who knows?' said the rabbi.
'He took out his lunch so I took out mine!!'
#####
Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community,
so the Pope offered a deal.
He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the
Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay
in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convertor leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise
rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the
rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish,
they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite
each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a
chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself
beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked
him what had happened.
The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding
up a single finger to remind me there is still only
one God common to both our beliefs.
'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show
him that God was all around us. He responded by
pointing to the ground to show that God was also
right here with us.
'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God
absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple
to remind me of the original sin.
'He bested me at every move and I could not
continue.'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to
ask the rabbi how he'd won.
'I haven't a clue' the rabbi said. 'First, he told me
that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I
gave him the finger.'
'Then he tells me that the whole country would
be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were
staying right here.'
'And then what?' asked a woman.
'Who knows?' said the rabbi.
'He took out his lunch so I took out mine!!'
#####
HOW LIFE WORKS
Coincidence!
A chicken farmer went to a local bar and sat next to
a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.The
woman perks up and says,
'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,
too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special
day for me.... I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!'
says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer!
As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you
celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and
today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken
farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens
become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence....'
#####
A chicken farmer went to a local bar and sat next to
a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.The
woman perks up and says,
'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,
too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special
day for me.... I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!'
says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer!
As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you
celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and
today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken
farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens
become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence....'
#####
SHOWER STATS
In a recent survey, people from Detroit have
proved to be the most likely to have had sex
in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries
firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said
that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison .....
#####
proved to be the most likely to have had sex
in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries
firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said
that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison .....
#####
EGO TIME
An elderly, very devout priest dies and goes to
heaven. When he gets there he sees a long line
of souls moving slowly toward the Pearly Gates.
He walks to the front of the line and says to
St. Peter “What is this line?”
St. Peter tells him it’s the line to get into heaven,
and that he must go to the end and wait his turn
with the other souls.
“But surely, St. Peter, I’ve devoted my life to God
and deserve to get through the gates before many
of these ordinary humans.”
But St. Peter simply says “No exceptions” and
turns him away.
So the priest walks for hours to get to the end of
the line, then endures several days of creeping
along in the slowly moving line. Finally, he’s back
within sight of the Pearly Gates and wiping the
sweat off his brow, when suddenly a limousine
appears, headed in the direction of the
Pearly Gates. As it passes him, he looks inside
and sees … Barack Obama!
The priest watches closely as the limousine
drives all the way up to the gates, stops briefly
by St. Peter, then ENTERS through the Gates.
The priest is incensed; he asks the person behind
him to save his place and he hikes the 1/4 mile
or so to the front of the line and strides right
up to St. Peter and says:
“St. Peter, this cannot be right. You have sent
me, a man of the cloth, to wait in line for several
days, but you let Barack Obama go right through
the gates? How can this be fair?”St. Peter turns
to him and says:
“No no, my good man, that wasn’t Barack Obama.
That was God. He just THINKS he’s
Barack Obama!!”
#####
heaven. When he gets there he sees a long line
of souls moving slowly toward the Pearly Gates.
He walks to the front of the line and says to
St. Peter “What is this line?”
St. Peter tells him it’s the line to get into heaven,
and that he must go to the end and wait his turn
with the other souls.
“But surely, St. Peter, I’ve devoted my life to God
and deserve to get through the gates before many
of these ordinary humans.”
But St. Peter simply says “No exceptions” and
turns him away.
So the priest walks for hours to get to the end of
the line, then endures several days of creeping
along in the slowly moving line. Finally, he’s back
within sight of the Pearly Gates and wiping the
sweat off his brow, when suddenly a limousine
appears, headed in the direction of the
Pearly Gates. As it passes him, he looks inside
and sees … Barack Obama!
The priest watches closely as the limousine
drives all the way up to the gates, stops briefly
by St. Peter, then ENTERS through the Gates.
The priest is incensed; he asks the person behind
him to save his place and he hikes the 1/4 mile
or so to the front of the line and strides right
up to St. Peter and says:
“St. Peter, this cannot be right. You have sent
me, a man of the cloth, to wait in line for several
days, but you let Barack Obama go right through
the gates? How can this be fair?”St. Peter turns
to him and says:
“No no, my good man, that wasn’t Barack Obama.
That was God. He just THINKS he’s
Barack Obama!!”
#####
Monday, July 14, 2008
CUSTOMER COMPLAINTS
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats a
woman sitting across the aisle from
him leaned over to him and asked,
'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom
company. These are customer complaints!!'
#####
After they got settled in their seats a
woman sitting across the aisle from
him leaned over to him and asked,
'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom
company. These are customer complaints!!'
#####
SEX IMPROVEMENT
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel
special about a West African "bush tribe"
whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age,
a string is tied around his penis and on the
other end is a weight. After a while, the
weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting
out of the shower, his wife looked at him and
said,
'How about we try the African string-and-
weight procedure?'
The husband agreed and they tied a string and
a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband,
'How is our little "tribal experiment" coming
along?'
'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,'
he replied.
'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'
'No... it's turned black!!'
#####
special about a West African "bush tribe"
whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age,
a string is tied around his penis and on the
other end is a weight. After a while, the
weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting
out of the shower, his wife looked at him and
said,
'How about we try the African string-and-
weight procedure?'
The husband agreed and they tied a string and
a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband,
'How is our little "tribal experiment" coming
along?'
'Well, it looks like we're about half way there,'
he replied.
'Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?'
'No... it's turned black!!'
#####
MEXICAN BUSINESSMEN
Two Mexican businessmen in Tijuana were
sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be
new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now
some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his
face to the window, and ask what we're selling'.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth
when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist
walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick
Japanese accent asked
'What you sell?' One of the men replied
sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man
said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!!'
#####
sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be
new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now
some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his
face to the window, and ask what we're selling'.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth
when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist
walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick
Japanese accent asked
'What you sell?' One of the men replied
sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man
said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!!'
#####
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?''Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!''No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.''No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?''I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?''It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
#####
#####
Saturday, July 12, 2008
"SERVICE" EXPLAINED
I have recently become confused when I hear terms like these that reference the word "service".
Internal Revenue "Service"
U.S. Postal "Service"
Telephone "Service"
Cable T.V. "Service"
Civil "Service"
Public "Service"
Customer "Service"
"Service" Station
As what they provide is not what I thought "service" means.
Then today, I overheard two Old Ranchers talking, and one of them said he
had "hired a bull to "service" a few cows."
BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those other "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.
Internal Revenue "Service"
U.S. Postal "Service"
Telephone "Service"
Cable T.V. "Service"
Civil "Service"
Public "Service"
Customer "Service"
"Service" Station
As what they provide is not what I thought "service" means.
Then today, I overheard two Old Ranchers talking, and one of them said he
had "hired a bull to "service" a few cows."
BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those other "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.
KIDS' THOUGHTS ON THE OCEAN
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island.
If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like
Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie , age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a
woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds
to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow
the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother
said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are
beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do
mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby
brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my
Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't
think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric
eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under
the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into
chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold,
and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.
Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down
on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell
off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do
it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.
(Julie, age 7)
14)-The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the
fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15)-My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all
about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit
being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
#####
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island.
If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like
Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie , age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a
woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds
to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow
the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother
said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are
beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do
mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby
brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my
Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't
think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric
eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under
the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into
chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold,
and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.
Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down
on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell
off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do
it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.
(Julie, age 7)
14)-The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the
fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15)-My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all
about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit
being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
#####
Friday, July 11, 2008
CALIFORNIA -- THEN AND NOW
Do you know what happened this week
back in 1850, 158 years ago?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like it is today,
except the women had real breasts
and the men didn't hold hands!!!
#####
back in 1850, 158 years ago?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like it is today,
except the women had real breasts
and the men didn't hold hands!!!
#####
Thursday, July 10, 2008
STUNT JUMP
A friend of mine has 4 extra tickets for
the Robbie Knievel (son of Evel Knievel)
event at the Ford Center this weekend,
if anybody wants them.
He's going to try to jump 1000 McCain
supporters with a bulldozer!!
Should be a good time.
Let me know!!
the Robbie Knievel (son of Evel Knievel)
event at the Ford Center this weekend,
if anybody wants them.
He's going to try to jump 1000 McCain
supporters with a bulldozer!!
Should be a good time.
Let me know!!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
THE PEE-PEE POEM
Your nookie days are over,
Your pilot light is out,
What used to be your sex appeal,
Is now your water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From your trousers it would spring,
But now you've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch you shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives you the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch you tie your shoes.
#####
Your pilot light is out,
What used to be your sex appeal,
Is now your water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From your trousers it would spring,
But now you've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch you shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives you the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch you tie your shoes.
#####
NEW TATTOO
Charlie gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'
Charlie replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.' 'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?''
I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'
'Well, I did it for 4 reasons.
One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime
you want!!'
Charlie is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.
#####
Charlie replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.' 'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?''
I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'
'Well, I did it for 4 reasons.
One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay
right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime
you want!!'
Charlie is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.
#####
Monday, July 7, 2008
QUIZ SHOW
The Final Question
A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'
had reached the final plateau. If she answered
the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she
would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar
question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds
does not build its own nest but instead lays its
eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it: A) the condor, B) the buzzard, C) the cuckoo,
or D) the vulture?
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the
answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and
her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained
was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she
would not have to use it because ... Her friend was,
well--blonde. But she had no alternative. She called
her friend and gave her the question and the four
choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make
it fast. She considered employing a reverse
strategy and giving Meredith any answer except
the one that her friend had given her. And
considering her friend was a blonde that would
seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend
had responded with such confidence, such
certitude, that the contestant could not help but
be persuaded.
'I need an answer,' said Meredith.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C:
The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
And Meredith replied, 'That answer is....
Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party
for her family and friends, including the blonde
who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,'
said the contestant. 'How did you happen to
know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody
knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They
live in clocks!!'
#####
A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'
had reached the final plateau. If she answered
the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she
would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar
question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds
does not build its own nest but instead lays its
eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it: A) the condor, B) the buzzard, C) the cuckoo,
or D) the vulture?
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the
answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and
her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained
was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she
would not have to use it because ... Her friend was,
well--blonde. But she had no alternative. She called
her friend and gave her the question and the four
choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make
it fast. She considered employing a reverse
strategy and giving Meredith any answer except
the one that her friend had given her. And
considering her friend was a blonde that would
seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend
had responded with such confidence, such
certitude, that the contestant could not help but
be persuaded.
'I need an answer,' said Meredith.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C:
The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
And Meredith replied, 'That answer is....
Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party
for her family and friends, including the blonde
who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,'
said the contestant. 'How did you happen to
know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody
knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They
live in clocks!!'
#####
THE SILVER SCREW
THE SILVER SCREW Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it. All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends. One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal. After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was to sleep in the highest tower of
the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window. The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off!! The moral to this is 'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your ass!!'
#####
the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.. The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window. The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off!! The moral to this is 'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your ass!!'
#####
Sunday, July 6, 2008
THE PREACHER'S SON
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it
was getting time the boy should give some thought
to choosing a profession. Like many young men his
age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to
do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school,his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible. 2. A silver dollar. 3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said
to himself.'
'When he comes home from school today, I'll see
which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to
be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man,
and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle,
he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what
a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up
that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer!!'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's
foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed
for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as
he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the
table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect
them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under
his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into
his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink,
while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered,
'He' s gonna run for Congress!!'
#####
was getting time the boy should give some thought
to choosing a profession. Like many young men his
age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to
do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school,his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's
room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible. 2. A silver dollar. 3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said
to himself.'
'When he comes home from school today, I'll see
which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to
be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man,
and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle,
he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what
a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up
that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer!!'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's
foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed
for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as
he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the
table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect
them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under
his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into
his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink,
while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered,
'He' s gonna run for Congress!!'
#####
Saturday, July 5, 2008
APHORISMS
APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE, CLEVER OBSERVATION, A GENERAL TRUTH OR ADAGE (these are good & true)
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks ?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. Like this: It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos (& worse yet, body piercing's)? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 70 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
#####
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks ?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. Like this: It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos (& worse yet, body piercing's)? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 70 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
#####
Friday, July 4, 2008
NIGHTMARE!!
In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised! Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color. Black. I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!! That means, of course, besides being black I'm also disabled!!! I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and disabled.'' It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my boyfriend... Juan. Just what I need!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that, with a Mexican boyfriend. Oh, my God..... black, disabled, gay, with a mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!! Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and Oh, noooooo... I'mBald!!! The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and lay around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.' Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... now I'm also an unemployed orphan! I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, disabled, gay with a mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan.But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... pacemaker? Besides being black, disabled, a fairy with a mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood. At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'SweetiePie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are youg going to vote for in the Primary? Hillary or Obama??? I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, queer on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, Bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat too!!!
#####
#####
Thursday, July 3, 2008
ANOTHER BLOND JOKE
A strawberry blonde was mowing her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat who was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART! Why WAL-MART?? HELLOOOOOOOOO! WAL-MART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
THE TALKING DOG
The Talking USMC Dog!
A guy was driving around the back woods ofTennessee,
and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style
house:
'Talking Dog for Sale '.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him
the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking
Beagle sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog
talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I
could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help
the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn
into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United
States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is
'The Devil Dogs'.
In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders;
because no one figured a dog would be eaves dropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and
I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to
settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years),
and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess
of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner
what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are
you selling him so cheap?'
Because he's such a bull shitter ... He never did any
of that shit -- He was in the Navy!!'
#####
A guy was driving around the back woods ofTennessee,
and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style
house:
'Talking Dog for Sale '.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him
the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking
Beagle sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog
talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I
could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help
the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn
into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United
States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is
'The Devil Dogs'.
In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders;
because no one figured a dog would be eaves dropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and
I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to
settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years),
and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess
of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner
what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are
you selling him so cheap?'
Because he's such a bull shitter ... He never did any
of that shit -- He was in the Navy!!'
#####
ITALIAN LOGIC
An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he
calls his grandson to his bedside.
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my
chrome-plated 38 revolver so you always
remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns.
Howz about you leava me your Rolex
watch instead?'
'Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna
runna da business. You gonna have a
beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home
and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna comma home and
maybe find your wife inna bed with another
man. Whadda you gonna do then ...
Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'?
#####
calls his grandson to his bedside.
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my
chrome-plated 38 revolver so you always
remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns.
Howz about you leava me your Rolex
watch instead?'
'Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna
runna da business. You gonna have a
beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home
and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna comma home and
maybe find your wife inna bed with another
man. Whadda you gonna do then ...
Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'?
#####
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
REDNECK CHURCH
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .....
the finance committee refuses to provide funds
for the purchase of a chandelier because none
of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the
5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish,
and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
when the pastor says, 'I'd like to ask Bubba to
help take up the offering,' five guys and two
women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
a member of the church requests to be buried
in his 4-wheel-drive truck because 'It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of' (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the choir is known as the 'OK Chorale'.
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
in a congregation of 500 members, there are
only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
people think 'rapture' is what you get when you
lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized 'Wheeling'
washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered
with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the collection plates are really hubcaps from a
'56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
instead of a bell you are called to service by a
duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the minister and his wife drive matching pickup
trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church If ...
the communion wine is Boone's Farm 'Tickled Pink'.
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
'Thou shall not covet' applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if...
the final words of the benediction are, 'Y'all come
back now, Ya hear!!'
God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!
#####
the finance committee refuses to provide funds
for the purchase of a chandelier because none
of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the
5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish,
and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
when the pastor says, 'I'd like to ask Bubba to
help take up the offering,' five guys and two
women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
a member of the church requests to be buried
in his 4-wheel-drive truck because 'It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of' (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the choir is known as the 'OK Chorale'.
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
in a congregation of 500 members, there are
only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
people think 'rapture' is what you get when you
lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized 'Wheeling'
washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered
with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the collection plates are really hubcaps from a
'56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
instead of a bell you are called to service by a
duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the minister and his wife drive matching pickup
trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church If ...
the communion wine is Boone's Farm 'Tickled Pink'.
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
'Thou shall not covet' applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if...
the final words of the benediction are, 'Y'all come
back now, Ya hear!!'
God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!
#####
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
