LIVING WILL

MY LIVING WILL:
Last night, my friend and I were sitting
in the living room and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids
from a bottle. If that ever happens, just
pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the Computer,
and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.....
#####

BULLS AND MEN

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
#####

Public Blog

PUBLIC DISCLAIMER NOTICE:
this "Blog" is for entertainment
purposes only.

DARN SQUIRRELS

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh.... Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said,pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here!"
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed
"What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied -- "Check for squirrels!!"
#####

HITTING THE LOTTERY, GOLF, ETC....

A woman came home, screeching her car into
the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the
top of her lungs,
'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should
I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out!!'
#####

==========================

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his
wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything
you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.....
#####
=============================

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to
apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight
test. The optician showed him a card with the
letters "C Z W I X N O S T A C Z".
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied -- 'I know
that guy!!'
#####
#####

INSTRUCTIONS

God Said, Adam I Want you to do something
for me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want
me to do?'
God said, 'Go down into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a valley?'
God explained it to him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a river?'
God explained that to him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill.......'
Adam said, 'What is a hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill
you will find a cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'!
After God explained, he said, 'In the cave
you will find a Woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too. Then,
God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under his breath), 'Geez.....'
and then, just like everything else, God
explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across
the river, and over the hill, into the cave,
and finds the woman. Then, in about five
minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily,
'What is it NOW?'
And Adam said
(* * YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!* *)
'What's a headache?
#####

GROWING UP

Little Sally came home from school with
a smile on her face and told her mother
'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie
today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern,
Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of
a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom
asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No...salty!!'
#####

MORE FIGHTS

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my
high school reunion, and I kept staring at
a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think
a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
****************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we
were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car. You know how
sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it...
he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at
me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said,
'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
#####

THE BIKER AND THE WAITRESS

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country,
walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the
bar, which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $1,000.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment,
he walks up to the bar and beckons to the
exceptionally attractive female bartender serving
drinks to a meagre looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile,
"can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the old biker,
"are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes, she smiles and purrs, I sure am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands --
I want a cheeseburger!!"
#####

ALCOHOL

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and
approaches Maxine sitting by herself:
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is
bad for my legs.'
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread.'
#####

ITALIAN MOTHER

A young Italian man excitedly tells his
mother he's fallen in love and that he is
going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun Ma, I'm going to
bring over 3 women and you try and
guess which one I'm going to marry.'
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful
women into the house and sits them down
on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, 'Okay Ma, guess which one
I'm going> to marry.'
She immediately replies, 'The one on the right!!'
'That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did
you know?'
The Italian mother replies, 'I don't like her.'
#####

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED.....

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED....

When I got home last night, my wife
demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started....
***************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security
office to apply for Social Security. The woman
behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife
about my experience at the Social Security
office.
She said, 'you should have dropped your
pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started....
#####

LOST CHURCHES

LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA

The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of
our nation are devastating. It did not
spare the houses of worship in and
around the area.
One of the local television stations in
south Louisiana aired an interview with
a black woman from New Orleans .
The interviewer was a woman from a Boston
affiliate. She asked the black woman how
such total and complete devastation of
the churches in the area had affected their
lives.
Without hesitation, the woman replied,
'I don't know about all those other people,
but we haven't gone to Churches in years.
We gits our chicken from Popeye's'.
The look on the interviewer's face was
priceless.
#####

MAKING A BABY

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children
and decided to use a surrogate father to start
their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive,Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye
and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should
be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer.
'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my
specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing,
'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two
in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps
a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living
room floor is fun. You can really spread out
there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good
one every time. But if we try several different
positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take
his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes,
but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it!' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled
out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping
at her throat.' And these twins turned out
exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her
to the park to get the job done right. People
were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her
eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for
more than three hours, too. The mother
was constantly squealing and yelling - I
could hardly concentrate,and when
darkness approached I had to rush my
shots. Finally, when the squirrels began
nibbling on my equipment, I just had to
pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean
they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.... Well, if you're ready,
I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work
right away.'
'Tripod?''Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a
tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs.Smith fainted....
#####

DATING ADVERTISEMENT

Singles Ad
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.
It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who
LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and
fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of
your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get
home from work, wearing only what nature gave
me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
I'll be waiting....

(Please scroll down ....)


Over 150 men found themselves talking to the
Atlanta Humane Society. Daisy is a black
labrador dog. :-)
#####

A PIG STORY

This is a true story, proving how fascinating
the mind of a six year old is. They think so
logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the
Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to
the part of the story where first pig was
trying to gather the building materials for
his home. She read -- 'and so the pig went
up to the man with the wheelbarrow full
of straw and said:
'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class:
'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said
very matter-of-factly ...
'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll
be damned!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room....
#####

HEADLINES FROM 2029

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being
taken over by Jamaica . No other country
comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars
can now be imported legally, but President
Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp
to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is
the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to
250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every
High School in United States .

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
#####

GETTING SCREWED

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of
highway when he notices a sign out of the
corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION -- 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination
and drives on without a second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION -- 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs
are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF
PROSTITUTION -- NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls
into the drive. On the far side of the parking
lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:

"SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS"
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door
is answered by a nun in a long black habit who
asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway
and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led
through many winding passages and is soon
quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit,
holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun
instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the
hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the
hall and slips through the door pulling it shut
behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the
parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN
SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!!
#####

WHY??

Why do we press harder on a remote control when
we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds'
when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say
there are four billion stars, but check when you
say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by
lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest,
but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath
you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
with hopes that something new to eat will have
materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a
dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then
put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the
end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed
light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling off the table you always
manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as
warm as it was in summer when we complained
about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four
persons are suffering from some sort of mental
illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're
okay, then it's you!!
#####

GOLF STORY

Recently I was asked to play in a golf
outing. At first I said, 'Naaahhh....'
Then they said to me,
'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids...."
Then I thought..........
dang -- I could win this thing -- I'll play!!!
#####

TWO CATHOLIC BOYS

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy
and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each
other's in amazing ways. In the same year
Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born
in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial school from
kindergarten through their senior year in high
school. They took their vows to enter the
priesthood early in college, and upon graduation,
became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world,
but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio
Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy
in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop,
Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to
say the least, and the Catholic world knew
that when the present Pope died, it would be
one of the two who would become the next
Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of
Cardinals went to work. In less time than
anyone had expected, white smoke rose
from the chimney and the world waited to
see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular,
was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy
had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was
devastated, because even with all of Timothy's
gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio
Secola asked for a private session with them in
which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity
on the bewildered man and rose to reply.
"We knew you were the better of the two,
but we just could not bear the thought of the
leader of the Roman Catholic Church being
called POPE SECOLA!!
#####

ANOTHER BLOND JOKE.....

I urgently needed a few days off work. But I knew
the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy,' then he would
tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down
on the ceiling & made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her
that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so the Boss
might think I was 'Crazy' & give me a few days off.
A few minutes later, the Boss came into the office and
asked, 'What in the world are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.He said, 'You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and recuperate for acouple of
days.'
I jumped down & walked out of the office....
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the
Boss asked her '....and where do you think you're going?!'
She said,'I'm going home too -- I can't work in the dark!!'
#####

SENIOR MOMENTS

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny,
a lovely 25 year old. Since her new
husband is so old, Jenny decides that after
their wedding she and Roger should have
separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new (but aged) husband may
overexert himself if they spend the entire
night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares
herself for bed and the expected "knock on
the door". Sure enough the knock comes,
the door opens and there is Roger, her 85
year old groom, ready for action. They unite
as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his
bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another
knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger.
Again he is ready for more 'action'.
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for
more coupling. When the newly weds are
done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a
fond good night and leaves. She is set to go
to sleep again, but, aha!, you guessed it -
Roger is back again, rapping on the door,
and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for
more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy
each other. But as Roger gets set to leave
again, his young bride says to him,
'I am thoroughly impressed that at your
age you can perform so well and so often!
I have been with guys less than a third of
your age who were only good once. You
are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to
Jenny and says:
'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story: Don't be afraid
of getting old!!
#####

ADVANCED SENIOR THINKING

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me tell you
about MY weekend!!'
#####

TENNESSEE MATH

The owner of a golf course was confused
about paying an invoice, so he decided to
ask his secretary for some mathematical
help. He called her into his office and said,
'You graduated from the University of
Tennessee and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,
how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then
replied, 'Everything but my earrings!!'
#####

TWO LADIES CHATTING IN HEAVEN

TWO WOMEN TALKING IN HEAVEN

1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.

2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How awful!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped
shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and
sleepy and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act,
But instead I found him all by himself in the
house watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another
woman somewhere that I started running all
over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
and searched and then down into the cellar.
I went through each wardrobe and checked
under all the beds. I kept this up until I had
looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a
heart attack and died.

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer. We'd both still be alive!!
#####

AN OLD DOG

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard;
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that
he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats
on his head; he then followed me into my house,
slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the
corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard,
walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and
again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
'I would like to find out who the owner of this
wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware
that almost every afternoon your dog comes to
my house for a nap.'
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a
different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the
age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?'
#####

FOUR LADIES

4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.About then an old Grandpa walked in.One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, hedropped his drawers.The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GRANNY'S THOUGHTS

Here's a quote from a government employee
who witnessed a recent interaction between
an elderly woman and an anti-war protester
in a Metro station in DC:
'There were protesters on the train platform
handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.
I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman
was behind me getting off the escalator and a
young (20ish) female protester offered her a
pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old
woman's shoulder as a gesture of friend ship
and in avery soft voice said,
'Lady, don't you care about the children of
Iraq?''
The old woman looked up at her and
said, 'Honey, my father died in France during
World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and
a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could
have the right to stand here and bad mouth
our country. And if you touch me again,
I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and pop
it open!!'
#####

POST OFFICE JOB

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to
anything?'
He says, 'Yes, caffeine.'
''Have you ever been in the service?'
'Yes,' he says, 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5
extra points toward employment,' and then
asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes 100%. An IED exploded
near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that
case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM
and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours
are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you
want me to be here before 10 AM?'
''This is a government job,' the interviewer
says. 'For the first two hours we just stand
around drinking coffee and scratching
our balls. No point in you coming in for
that.'
#####

HARVEY'S LETTER FROM CAMP

HARVEY'S LETTER FROM SUMMER CAMP
Dear Mom and Dad, Our Scoutmaster told us
to write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and are worried. We are okay.
Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got
washed away. Luckily, none of us got
drowned because we were all up on the
mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her
he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue
jeeps. It was neat. We never would have
found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for
the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at
Adam for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him,
but it was during the fire so he probably
didn't hear him. Did you know that if you
put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the
tents did and also some of our clothes.
Mathew is going to look weird until his
hair grows back. We will be home on
Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the
bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the
wreck. The brakes worked okay when
we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with
a bus that old you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably
why he can't get insurance. We think it's
a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty,
and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on
the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people
in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the
trailer until the highway patrolman stopped
and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat
guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact,
he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the
mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.
All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off
the rocks and swimming out in the lake.
Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because
I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would
sink because of his cast, so he let us take the
canoe across the lake. It was great. You can
still see some of the trees under the water
from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't
crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't
even get mad about the life jackets. He has
to spend a lot of time working on the bus so
we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first
aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into
the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how
a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up,
but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was
just food poisoning from the leftover
chicken. He said they got sick that way with
food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got
out and became our scoutmaster. He said
he sure figured out how to get things done
better while he was doing his time. By the
way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now.
We are going to town to mail our letters and
buy some more beer. Don't worry about
anything. We are fine.
Love, Harvey
#####

JOB APPLICANTS

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given
the task of hiring an individual to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of
resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified -- an American, a Russian,
an Australian, and a Mexican.He decided to
call the four in and ask them only one
question.Their answers would determine
who among them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around
the conference room table the interviewer
asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know?'
Steve, the American, replied, 'A THOUGHT.
It comes without any warning; it just pops
into your head. A thought is the fastest thing
that I know..'
'That's very good!' replied theinterviewer.
'And now you sir?' he asked Vladimir , the
Russian. 'Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It
comes and goes without you knowing that it
ever happens. A BLINK is the fastest thing
I know.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink
of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for
speed.'
He then turned to George, the Australian
who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out
at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house
and on the wall there's a light switch. When
you flip that switch, the light in the barn
comes on way out across the pasture.
Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest
thing I can think of.'
The interviewer was very impressed with the
third answer and thought he had found his
man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,'
he said.
Turning to Eleuterio, the Mexican, the fourth
and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.
Eleuterio replied, 'Apter herring da 3 preybeus
ansers sir, et's obeus to me dat the fastest
thing is Diarrhea.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the
response. The others were giggling in their
seats...
'Oh, I can expleyn sir,' said Eleuterio. 'You see,
sir, da ader day my istumach was peeling bad
and so I run so fast to the bathroom, but
bepore I could TINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
DE LIGHT, sir, I had alreydi shet in my pants!'
Eleuterio is now the new 'Greeter' at
Wal-Mart.....
#####

RE-VISED NURSERY RHYMES

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her --
between two hunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn....

Simple Simon met a Pieman,
going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon --
Pies, you dickhead!!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "screw 'em -- he's only an egg!!"

Mary had a little lamb,
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too -- cause he was gay.....
#####

ALIENS

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near
a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and
the younger alien addressed it saying,
'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to> your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack
of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm
down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored
the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the
pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun
and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way!
Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade
saying, 'You probably don't want to do that!
I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened
fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive
fireball roared towards them and blew the
younger alien off his feet and deposited him
a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away
in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When
he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna,
and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien
who was standing over him shaking his big,
green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young,
fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you
know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly
feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's
one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who
can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and
then stick it in his ear!!'
#####

THE RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the
urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed
that the receptionist was a large un-friendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the
receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT
IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their
heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice
replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A
SEX CHANGE OPERATION -- BUT I DON'T WANT
THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!!'

conclusion? DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!!
#####

THE PASTOR'S ASS

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it
won.The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in a race again, and it won
again.The local paper read: "PASTOR'S ASS OUT
FRONT". The Bishop was so upset with this kind
of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to
enter the donkey in another race.The next day,
the local paper headline read: BISHOP
SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much
for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it
to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper,
hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that
she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper
read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too
much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to
buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains
where it could run wild....
The next day the headlines read: NUN
ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day!!
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned
about public opinion can bring you much
grief and misery ... .. even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying
about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot
happier and live longer! Have a nice day!
#####

RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN
CANDIDATE AND HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) Press 1 for English is immediately banned.
English is the official language, speak it or
wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year
isolationist posture to straighten out the
country's attitude. NO imports, NO exports.
We will use the 'Wal-mart' policy of 'If we
ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be
a 100% import tax on it.

(4) All retired military personnel will be
required to man one of our many observation
towers on the southern border. (six month
tour). They will be under strict orders not to
fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social security will immediately return
to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin
in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president
nor any other politician will not be able to
touch it.

(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on
Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school
week and the successful completion of
urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes/Steroids - The
FIRST time you check positive/banned for
life. (simple, eh?)

(8) One export will be allowed, wheat,
the world does need to eat. A bushel of
wheat will be the exact price of a barrel
of oil.

(9) All foreign aid using American taxpayer
money will immediately cease, and the saved
money will pay off the national debt and
ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur
around the world, we'll ask the American
people if they want to donate to a disaster
fund, and each citizen can make the decision
whether it's a worthy cause. The Pledge of
Allegiance WILL be said every day at school
and every day in Congress. The National
Anthem will be played at all appropriate
ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

Sorry if I've stepped on anyone's toes but a
vote for me will get you better than what you
have, and better than what you're gonna get.

Thanks for listening, and remember to write
in my name on the ballot in November.
God bless America!!
Now -- who wants to be my VP ???
#####