Tuesday, March 17, 2009

IRISH JOKES

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared.Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one!!'

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Paddy was in New York .He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across??'

================

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.
'Where are ye callin' from??'

================

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?''When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.''Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

#####

MORE FROM LETTERMAN

Also....David Letterman was facing an Moral Dilemna....he wants to know if it's too soon for him to be hitting on Bernie Madoff's wife..

Bernie and his wife want to keep $69 million. They say that's not money they swindled. This is money they had laying around....It's money they saved by switching to Geico.

TOP TEN

Top 10 things heard on Bernie Madoff's answering machine:
10. "This is Barnes & Noble. I'm sorry but we don't sell calendar's for the year 2159"
9. "Hey Bernie, I've been out of the country. How are my investments doing?"
8. "Blockbuster calling. Your copies of 'The Great Escape' and 'The Shawshank Redemption' are overdue.
7. "Do I have the correct number? Is this 1-800-ASS-(*&#
6. "It's Ruth - If you go out, remember to swindle some Milk & Eggs"
5. "If you're under house arrest, why aren't you home?"
4. "Sorry, I didn't mean to dial your number. I just sat on my Phone"
3. "Hi Bernie. It's A-Rod's cousin. You looking to bulk up for Prison?"
2. "It's Michael Phelps. Need something to help you relax?"
1. "It's George W. Bush. Can I still get in?"

#####

KNOW YOUR CUSTOMERS

Know Your Customers:
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from

his Middle East assignment. A friend asked,
"Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained "When I got posted in
the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make
a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there.
But, I had a problem -- I didn't know to speak Arabic.
So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...
totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And Then these posters were pasted all over the place.
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.

"The hell it should have!" said the salesman.
"I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left!!"
#####

THE PROFESSIONAL NURSE

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it
couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control
herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?'

...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

Friday, March 13, 2009

THE TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave
the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You asshole!! It's three-fifteen in the morning!!'
#####

SENIOR WEDDING PLANS

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida,are all excited about their decision to get married. Theygo for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way theypass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.*Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"The pharmacist answers, "Yes."*Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"Pharmacist: "Of course we do."*Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"Pharmacist: "All kinds ."*Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"Pharmacist: "Definitely."*Jacob: "How about suppositories?"Pharmacist: "You bet!"*Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?"Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."*Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"Pharmacist: "Absolutely."*Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"Pharmacist: "We sure do."
*Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."*Jacob: "Adult diapers?"Pharmacist: "Sure."*

*Jacob: "Great!! We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry!!"
#####

Thursday, March 12, 2009

NEW WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day 10 pound weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs.
as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me
you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself and discovers he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So he decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.
'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

'If I catch you ... you're mine.' He lost 63 pounds that week....
#####

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2008

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight To Canada.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked
John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
in Florida to check tickets. As a man approached, she
extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at
the grocery store in New York but she couldn't find
one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer in Montgomery got out of his car
as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down
his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket. (classy officer!!)
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and
noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he
knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his
truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car
and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips
and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says,
'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
An Alabama college teacher reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam.
'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his
hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering
from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering
when silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly
at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand.....'

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to
pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect!!
#####


MEDICAL THOUGHTS

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said
I was doing 'fairly well'.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
ribs?'
I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all
red meat is very unhealthy!!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun like playing golf,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you party with friends, drive fast cars,
travel alot, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,
'Then, why do you even give a shit??'
#####

Sunday, March 8, 2009

HEALTH NEWS


Subject: Funny, but true
Would be funnier if there wasn't an element of truth to it.

Good Info To Have
After an exhaustive review of the research literature,
here's the final Word on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks Than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer Heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like....
Speaking English is apparently What kills you.
But don't worry, your Government is trying to
correct this Problem.....
#####


JOB OPENING

HELP WANTED - Gynecologist's Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?'

'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'

RUGBY PLAYERS

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.
'Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe..."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?""In heaven", replies Joe.
"I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, is that there's rugby in heaven!!
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here,
too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still,
it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we
never get tired."
"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest
dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news?'"
"Well.... you're in the team for Tuesday....."
#####

Thursday, March 5, 2009

MORE PHILOSOPHY


Make love, not war.
--Hell, do both-- GET MARRIED!!
--Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
--Revolution Books, New York , New York .

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of
progress? Congress!
-- Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington , DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
-- Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
--Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
-- Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA

and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have
trouble with it.
--Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX
______________________________
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a
lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, and she does.
________________ _____________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU
ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
'You're next!!'
They stopped after I started doing the same
thing to them at funerals.
#####

RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

Four Great Religious Truths

During these serious times, people of all faiths
should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the
leader of the Christian world.

4. Southern Baptists do not recognize each other
at Hooters.

#####

RESTROOM PHILOSOPHY

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
--Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
-- Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together and have the time
of our lives!!
--Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
--The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LA

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is
sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
--Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
--Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't
been anywhere.
--Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ
#####