Tuesday, January 25, 2011

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

The money is always there -- it just changes pockets.
-- Gertrude Stein

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits
with my net income.
-- Errol Flynn

The wages of sin are un-reported.
-- Anon

BEDROOM PHOTOS

After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another
man, on the woman's nightstand by
the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling
away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'

he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery....'

OVER 40 TIPS

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

CHOOSING A WIFE

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then he married the one with the biggest boobs!!!

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

(HEY, THIS IS A joke page, remember!! do NOT try these yourself!!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6.. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

TSA STATISTICS

Year-to-date statistics on Airport pat-down screening from the TSA*

Terrorist Plots Discovered 0*

Transvestites 133*

Hernias 1,485*

Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172*

Incontinence 6,418*

Enlarged Prostates 8,249*

Breast Implants 59,350*

Natural Blondes 3*

Monday, January 24, 2011

MY PATRIOTIC BOOK

hey check out my book of America's unique patriotic heritage.
all the great songs, poems, and speeches.
NOBODY has a history like America does!!
just click on the first link above to go to the page.
you can order right on line.
www.MyPatrioticBook.Blogspot.com

and here i am on YouTube being interviewed about it. hey, i'm a star on YouTube!!
http://www.youtube.com/viralpublicity#p/u/13/lDYVv9p37so
(wish i knew how to post this correctly to make it work!!)

Saturday, January 22, 2011

HILLBILLY VACATION

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."


Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"


Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

if God had meant for us to have group sex,
He'd have given us more organs.
-- Malcolm Bradbury


he's such a hick he doesn't even have a
trapeze in his bedroom.
-- anon

THE FARMER

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and
a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered
the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked,
"Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as
firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from
his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they
nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they
as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my
soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get *#*#*#
out of my peaches!!"

YOU KNOW TIMES ARE TOUGH WHEN.....

You know times are tough when ...

The Recession hits everybody.....

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being
investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

MY PATRIOTIC BOOK

hey check out my book of America's unique patriotic heritage.
all the great songs, poems, and speeches.
NOBODY has a history like America does!!
just click on the first link above to go to the page.
you can order right on line.
www.MyPatrioticBook.Blogspot.com

and here i am on YouTube being interviewed about it. hey, i'm a star on YouTube!!
http://www.youtube.com/viralpublicity#p/u/13/lDYVv9p37so
(wish i knew how to post this correctly to make it work!!)

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

You can pretend to be serious... you can't pretend to be witty.
--Sacha Guitry

Everybody likes a kidder -- but nobody lends him money.
--Arthur Miller

SENIOR THOUGHTS

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
==========================================

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank goodness,
I still have my driver's license!!

NEW GUY

A guy walks into a bar in North Carolina and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some
pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do
you drive a taxi?"
"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.
I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!!"

CHURCH TRIVIA CONTEST

CHURCH TRIVIA CONTEST

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church's pot-luck dinner last night
by 1 point! Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately
asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

... Apparently the correct answer is "the Fiji Islands"!!

MAIL ORDER SEX TOYS

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.

YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.

PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

you might as well fall flat on your face,
as lean over too far backwards.
-- James Thurber

Saturday, January 15, 2011

PSYCHIATRISTS VS. BARTENDERS

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears...'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

AGING IN AMERICA

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

THE LADY AT THE DRUGSTORE

DIVORCE versus MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription...."

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4a.m.
-- Charles Pierce