behind every great forture is a crime.
-- Honore' Balzac
when the cat and the mouse agree -- the grocer is ruined.
-- Persian proverb
one of the worse things in life that can happen is to
win a bet on a horse at an early age.
-- Danny McGoorty
when i was a boy, i was told anyone could become president.
and now i'm beginning to believe it.
-- Clarence Darrow
Friday, February 25, 2011
MARRIAGE
Sometimes Marriage is like a deck of cards...
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end...
you'll wish you had a club and a spade!!!
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end...
you'll wish you had a club and a spade!!!
SMART DOGS
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther..
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther..
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?
Monday, February 21, 2011
THE MAID'S RAISE
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset
about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the
bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora......."
"The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the
bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora......."
"The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
TWO QUICKIES
One day, a man came home and was greeted
by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and
you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went Golfing.
=====================================================
A woman came home, screeching her car
into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and
shouted at the top of her lungs,
'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should
I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out!!'
by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and
you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went Golfing.
=====================================================
A woman came home, screeching her car
into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and
shouted at the top of her lungs,
'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should
I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out!!'
BILLY BOB'S BARN
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "Well me'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do "something sexy to a tractor"."
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. "Well me'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do "something sexy to a tractor"."
Sunday, February 6, 2011
THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY
Tell the truth and run.
-- Yugoslavian proverb
Do not insult the mother alligator until
after you have crossed the river.
-- Hatian proverb
Too clever is dumb.
-- German proverb
-- Yugoslavian proverb
Do not insult the mother alligator until
after you have crossed the river.
-- Hatian proverb
Too clever is dumb.
-- German proverb
Saturday, February 5, 2011
NORTH DAKOTA WEATHER
I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
ASSORTED FUNNIES
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry Chubby, you're bound to lose it eventually.'
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes... 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since almost all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry Chubby, you're bound to lose it eventually.'
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes... 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since almost all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
THE MOVIE TEST
This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy
the most. Don't ask how.
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the
list of 18 movies below.
Mine was "Titanic" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you
scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.
Now look up your number in the list below...
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
It is really amazing, isn't it?
the most. Don't ask how.
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the
list of 18 movies below.
Mine was "Titanic" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you
scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.
Now look up your number in the list below...
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
It is really amazing, isn't it?
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