Imagine if major companies from all around the
world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies
would probably advertise more openly.
* Nike Condoms: Just do it
* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
* Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
* Optus Condoms: Yes!
* Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
* Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
* Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available
in Tasmania only)
* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
* VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
* Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make
it....
* Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek
* Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
* Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.
* Quicken Condoms: Quicken Easy
The following brands would probably not sell
very well.....
* AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That
* Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once
a year....
* RTA Condoms: Speed kills
* Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
* Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face
* Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you
#####
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
STILL MARRIED??
Marriage is the triumph of imagination
over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay
strict attention to every word you say --
talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men
would go through life thinking they had
no faults at all!!
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!
'Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky,
mine's still alive.'
'A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray
for: Wisdom, To understand a man, to
Love and to forgive him , and for patience,
For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for
Strength I'll just beat him to death.'
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus
stop ith their nine children. A blind man
joins them after a few minutes. When the
bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able
to fit onto the bus. So the husband and
the blind man decide to walk. After a while,
the husband gets irritated by the ticking
of the stick of the blind man as he taps it
on the sidewalk, and says to him,
'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at
the end of your stick? That ticking sound
is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a
rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be
riding the bus!!'
#####
over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay
strict attention to every word you say --
talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men
would go through life thinking they had
no faults at all!!
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!
'Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky,
mine's still alive.'
'A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray
for: Wisdom, To understand a man, to
Love and to forgive him , and for patience,
For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for
Strength I'll just beat him to death.'
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus
stop ith their nine children. A blind man
joins them after a few minutes. When the
bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able
to fit onto the bus. So the husband and
the blind man decide to walk. After a while,
the husband gets irritated by the ticking
of the stick of the blind man as he taps it
on the sidewalk, and says to him,
'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at
the end of your stick? That ticking sound
is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a
rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be
riding the bus!!'
#####
Sunday, August 3, 2008
FLORIDA BURGLARY
BURGLARY IN FLORIDA
Ya just can't make this stuff up!!
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's
house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored
his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even
left his Rolex watch.
What they did take, however, was 'a generic
white cardboard box filled with a grayish-
white powder. (That's at least the way the
police report described it.) A spokesman for
the Fort Lauderdale police said, 'that it
looked similar to high grade cocaine and
they'd probably thought they'd hit the big
time.
Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous
TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:
'Please return the cremated remains of my
sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse
of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie
Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.
The cardboard box was there too; about
half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
Scotch taped to the box was this note
which said: 'Hoochie sold us the bogus
blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we
snorted your sister. No hard feelings....'
Have a nice day.
#####
Ya just can't make this stuff up!!
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's
house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored
his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even
left his Rolex watch.
What they did take, however, was 'a generic
white cardboard box filled with a grayish-
white powder. (That's at least the way the
police report described it.) A spokesman for
the Fort Lauderdale police said, 'that it
looked similar to high grade cocaine and
they'd probably thought they'd hit the big
time.
Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous
TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:
'Please return the cremated remains of my
sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse
of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie
Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.
The cardboard box was there too; about
half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
Scotch taped to the box was this note
which said: 'Hoochie sold us the bogus
blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we
snorted your sister. No hard feelings....'
Have a nice day.
#####
WHEN TO START CUSSING
When to start Cussing.... (cracked me up)A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what? says the 6 year old. I think it's about time we started cussing.The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, You can stay there until I let you out! She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man? I don't know, he blubbers, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
GRANDPARENTS
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,
Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor' She says,
'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that
Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and
positioning herself to get out of her rocker and
begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that
rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot!!'
#####
from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,
Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor' She says,
'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that
Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and
positioning herself to get out of her rocker and
begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that
rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot!!'
#####
Friday, August 1, 2008
WHY AM I MARRIED??
WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life:You can stay
single and be miserable, or get married
and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband,there
is no better revenge than to let her keep him!!
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished .
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much
does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still
paying!!'
A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until
he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said,'I never knew
what real happiness was until I got married, and
by then, it was too late....'
#####
You have two choices in life:You can stay
single and be miserable, or get married
and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the
wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband,there
is no better revenge than to let her keep him!!
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished .
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much
does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still
paying!!'
A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until
he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said,'I never knew
what real happiness was until I got married, and
by then, it was too late....'
#####
THE NEW YORKER AND THE INDIAN
A woman from New York was driving through
a remote part of Arizona when her car broke
down.
An American Indian on horseback came along
and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and
they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except
that every few minutes the Indian would let out
a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!!' so loud that it echoed
from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the
local service station, yelled one final
'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?'
asked the>service-station attendant.
'Nothing,' the woman answered.
'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my
arms around his waist, and held on to the
saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said,
'Indians don't use saddles!!'
#####
a remote part of Arizona when her car broke
down.
An American Indian on horseback came along
and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and
they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except
that every few minutes the Indian would let out
a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!!' so loud that it echoed
from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the
local service station, yelled one final
'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?'
asked the>service-station attendant.
'Nothing,' the woman answered.
'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my
arms around his waist, and held on to the
saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said,
'Indians don't use saddles!!'
#####
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