MENOPAUSE JEWELRY

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my
mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to
monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a
good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
frickin' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Dumb ass....
#####

MURPHY IN CHURCH

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to
Mass. What made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that McGlynn had a hat just like my hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday.

I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left my hat!!"
#####

TIT FOR TAT

One evening, a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. ' Sandy ', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!
#####

GRAMMAR LESSON

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
One day during lessons on proper grammar,
the teacher asked for a show of hands from
those who could use the word beautiful in
the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful
dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael. "My mummy planned
a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little
RALPHY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told
my father that she was pregnant, and he said
'Beautiful -- just f***ing beautiful!!''
#####

BLACK TESTICLES

BLACK TESTICLES
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing
an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young
student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask.
'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check.
Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and
heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes
her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises
is gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says
very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen
very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k??'
#####

HOLLYWOOD SQUARES

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares
and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the
days when " Hollywood Squares" game show
responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as
they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking
the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little
heads under water long enough.

Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump,
at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady
drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as
5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that
way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to
sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping
me awake!!

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a
stranger at a party and you think that he is
attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him
if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No -- wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to
diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than
three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with
a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and
"I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming
from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture
more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing
old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture
you'll never forget!!

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too
easily.

Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow
strawberries. Are you going to get any during
the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy
growing strawberries....

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss
two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics,
what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the
bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm
always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will
wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what
would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never
be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there
anything wrong with getting into the habit
of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part
of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it
certainly isn't neglected!!

Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa
put horseradish on his head, what was he
trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of
time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my
elephant?

Q.When a couple have a baby, who is
responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car,
the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that
he firmly believes in them and has actually
seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are
two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE
WE GROW OLD -- WE GROW OLD BECAUSE
WE STOP LAUGHING!!
#####

SICK DAY

CHINESE SICK LEAVE :
'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says,
'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt,
I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow,
I really need you today. When I feel sick like you
do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work.
You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what you say and I feel great!
I be at work soon......
By the way..... you got nice house!!'
#####