Saturday, December 13, 2008
A CHRISTMAS TRADITION
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day: When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.....
Friday, December 5, 2008
THE LONDON NEWSPAPERS REPORTING.....
Why we like the BritishTrue Reports from
British life ........!!!
BRITISH NEWSPAPERS --
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur
Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for
North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey
has been charged for the gas used up during the
explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search
for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a
description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and
they don't want the public to know what it looks
like.(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of
inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an
inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed
a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind
speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have
a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had
just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe,
delighted the audience with her reminiscence of
the German prisoner of war who was sent each
week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the
end of 1945, she recalled -'He'd always seemed a
nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up
in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they
spelt out "Heil Hitler''!!( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
#####
British life ........!!!
BRITISH NEWSPAPERS --
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur
Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for
North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey
has been charged for the gas used up during the
explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search
for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a
description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and
they don't want the public to know what it looks
like.(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of
inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an
inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed
a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind
speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have
a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had
just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe,
delighted the audience with her reminiscence of
the German prisoner of war who was sent each
week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the
end of 1945, she recalled -'He'd always seemed a
nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up
in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they
spelt out "Heil Hitler''!!( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
#####
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
THE ZEN OF SARCASM
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique--
just like everyone else!!
06. Never test the depth of the water with
both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you criticize them, you're a mile away AND
you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a
day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see
that person again, it was probably a wise
investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days
you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get
to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money
is to fold it in half and put it back in your
pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light
side and a dark side, and it holds the universe
together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with
women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning
much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND 22. Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night!!
#####
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique--
just like everyone else!!
06. Never test the depth of the water with
both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you criticize them, you're a mile away AND
you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a
day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see
that person again, it was probably a wise
investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days
you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get
to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money
is to fold it in half and put it back in your
pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light
side and a dark side, and it holds the universe
together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with
women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning
much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND 22. Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night!!
#####
Sunday, November 2, 2008
BANK ROBBERY
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also."Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner."I think my wife caught a glimpse..."
HALLOWEEN PARTY
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets
into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop
staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you
but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a
nun as long as I have, you get a chance to
see and hear just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say
or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a
nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can
do about that: #1, you have to be single
and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that
would make a hooker blush. But when they
get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you
crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I
must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'oh, that's OK. My name is
Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!!'
#####
into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop
staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you
but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a
nun as long as I have, you get a chance to
see and hear just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say
or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a
nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can
do about that: #1, you have to be single
and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that
would make a hooker blush. But when they
get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you
crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I
must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'oh, that's OK. My name is
Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!!'
#####
MORNING SEX
MORNING SEX
She was standing in the kitchen preparing
to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the
Tee shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and
said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this
very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced
her and then gave it my all.
Right there on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to
the stove, her 'Tee' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken....'
#####
She was standing in the kitchen preparing
to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the
Tee shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and
said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this
very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced
her and then gave it my all.
Right there on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to
the stove, her 'Tee' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken....'
#####
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