SNOW WHITE

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs
(A Political Fable)
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the
mine early each morning. As always, Snow White
stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare
their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the
lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible
cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst,
Snow White began calling out, hoping against
hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear
me? Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope,
she heard a faint voice from deep within
the mine, singing .....
'Vote for John McCain! - Vote for John McCain!!'
Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself
and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God!
At least Dopey is still alive!!'
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WISDOM OF AGE

An Interview with An 80-year-old Woman--
the local news station was interviewing an
80-year-old lady because she had just gotten
married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her
life, what it felt like to be marrying again at 80,
and then about her new husband's occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered. He then
asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little
about her first three husbands and what they did
for a living.
She paused for a few moments, explaining that
she'd first married a banker when she was in her
early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her
40s, later on a preacher in her 60s, and now in
her 80s, a funeral director.The interviewer looked
at her and asked why she had married four men
with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for
the money, two for the show, three to get ready,
and four to go!!'
#####

THE COWBOY

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered
a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young
woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real
cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking
colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences,
pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning
my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding
my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the morning,
I think about women. When I shower, I think about
women. When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat. It seems that
everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later,
a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I always thought I was, But I just
found out that I'm a lesbian.'
#####

BUYING BEER

Two nuns were shopping at a Safeway store.
They were passing by the beer, wine, and liquor
section. Sister Mary Xavier asked Sister Mary Joseph
if she liked beer.
Sister Mary Joseph confessed that she secretly liked
the brew, but she would feel very uncomfortable
about purchasing it.
Sister Mary Xavier replied that she would handle
that without a problem, then picked up a six-pack
and took it to the cashier. Noticing the cashier's
surprised look, Sister Mary Joseph said,
'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under
the counter, put a package of pretzel sticks in the
bag with the beer and said, 'The curlers are on me!!'
#####

THE RANCHER

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?' Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?' The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves' 'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?' The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?' 'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud. 'Wow! That's correct, ' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?' 'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . Now give me back my dog.

DOG POOP

I'm reminded of the time Catherine -- an
8-year old girl in our neighborhood -- told
me she wanted to be President one day.
Both of her parents, VERY liberal Democrats,
were standing there with us. I asked
Catherine, “If you were President what would
be the first thing you would do?”
Catherine replied, “I would give houses to
all the homeless people.”
“Wow, what a worthy goal you have there
Catherine,” I told her (while both parents
beamed),
“But you don't have to wait until you're
President to do that. You can come to my
house and clean up all the dog poop in the
back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars.
Then we can go over to the grocery store
where the homeless guy hangs out, and
you can give him the $5 dollars to use
towards a new house.”
Catherine thought that over for a second,
and then replied,
“Why doesn't the homeless guy come over
and clean up the dog poop himself, and
you can pay him the $5 dollars.”
“Catherine,” I said, “Welcome to the
Republican Party....”
##### :-)

MID-LIFE CRISES

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 25 YEARS,
I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE
ONE DAY AND SAID,
'HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP
APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A
SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK
AND WHITE TV -- BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY
NIGHT WITH A HOT 22-YEAR-OLD GAL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000 HOME, A $45,000 CAR,
NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M
SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING
UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.
SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT
22-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE
SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING
IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP
CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?
THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR
MID-LIFE CRISES!!!
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