THE PEANUT

A peanut sat on a railroad track
His heart was all aflutter

Along came the 5:15…

"Tooooot!"….

Peanut Butter !!

(Author unknown, thankfully!)
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BUBBA AND COOTER'S PICK-UP LINES

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in 'em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl
here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something
that would break the ice.'
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me
find him? I think he went inta this cheap
motel room....
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up!!
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WOMEN'S ASS STUDY

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by
the American Psychiatric Association
about women and how they feel about
their Asses.
The results are pretty shocking:
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their
ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass
is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care --
they love him. He's a good man and they
would have married him anyway!!
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A BLOND COWBOY

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in theworld are you dressed like this?'The Cowboy says: 'Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the road
and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants .. So I did.Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts . So I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...and here I am.'Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist!!!

CORRECT TERMS

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading North America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore ....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'
3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' -
She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'
8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'
9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'
11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'
12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'- He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'
6.. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'
7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'
9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'
10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'
11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE '
Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us.
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MORNING SEX

MORNING SEXShe was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggsand toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normallyslept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and saidsoftly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment! My eyes lit upand I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be mylucky day!'Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;right there on the kitchen table.Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirtstill around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO

Catholic Shampoo
While shopping in a food store, two
nuns happened to pass by the beer section.
One asked the other if she would like
a beer. The second nun answered that,
indeed, it would be very nice to have one,
but that she wouldn't feel comfortable
about buying it.
The first nun replied that she could handle
that without a problem. She picked up a
six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look on his
face, so the nun said,
'We use beer for washing our hair; a sort
of shampoo, if you will.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier
reached under the counter, pulled out a
package of pretzel sticks and placed them
in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye,
smiled, and said,
'The curlers are on the house!!'
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