STORY WITH A MORAL

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved and etc. etc. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Johnnie was left.
“Johnnie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey,
a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey and threw away the bottle on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break in her pocket, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle
of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol...until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife...till the blade broke. And then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

“ Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?”

“Stay the f... away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!”

HONEYMOON TALE

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia,
Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Paterson, New Jersey to say hello
to his friends. Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?'

Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.'

'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.

'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia,
she pack a biga basket a food.She brough ta da vino, some nice cigars for
me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The
conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car.
Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch
and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again,
waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'
So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my
biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say,
'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' 'We go to a smokina
car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We
just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da
hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka
Virginia!'

'Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus.

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says:
"Boobs"

SENIOR BIRTHDAY PRESENTS

Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other:
"My 75th birthday was yesterday.
She gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded:
"Wow, that's amazing!!.....
Imagine, an SUV!!..
What a great gift!"
First guy:
"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
******************************************

NEWLYWEDS

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"

SCAM WARNING

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your supplies into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they
start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also August 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 10th, 13th, 16th & 22nd, three times this morning
and very likely again tomorrow.

So tell your friends to be careful.


P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.

HARDWARE ADVENTURE

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,
so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top
shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot?
Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy,
and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot!!"