I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
ASSORTED FUNNIES
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry Chubby, you're bound to lose it eventually.'
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes... 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since almost all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry Chubby, you're bound to lose it eventually.'
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes... 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since almost all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
THE MOVIE TEST
This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy
the most. Don't ask how.
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the
list of 18 movies below.
Mine was "Titanic" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you
scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.
Now look up your number in the list below...
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
It is really amazing, isn't it?
the most. Don't ask how.
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the
list of 18 movies below.
Mine was "Titanic" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you
scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.
Now look up your number in the list below...
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
It is really amazing, isn't it?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY
The money is always there -- it just changes pockets.
-- Gertrude Stein
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits
with my net income.
-- Errol Flynn
The wages of sin are un-reported.
-- Anon
-- Gertrude Stein
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits
with my net income.
-- Errol Flynn
The wages of sin are un-reported.
-- Anon
BEDROOM PHOTOS
After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another
man, on the woman's nightstand by
the bed. He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling
away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery....'
the guy notices a photo of another
man, on the woman's nightstand by
the bed. He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling
away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery....'
OVER 40 TIPS
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
CHOOSING A WIFE
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest boobs!!!
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest boobs!!!
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