Normally I don't send or forward a lot of these, but even by my standards,
it was a bit touching. I want all of my friends to feel what I felt when I read it.
Hope it touches your heart like it did mine.
This is so beautiful.....
A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm
black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there!
From what I can remember about that party,
you're lucky you don't bark!"
Monday, October 5, 2009
THE NEW PRIEST
> > An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from
> >
> > his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission
> >
> > parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
> >
> > the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying
> >
> > dead in the middle of his front lawn.
> >
> >
> > He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went
> >
> > like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help
> >
> > you?" "And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at
> >
> > St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front
> >
> > lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take
care of the matter?"
> >
> >
> > Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with
> >
> > a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people
> >
> > took care of the last rites!"
> >
> >
> > There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...... Father
> >
> > O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also
> >
> > obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
> >
> > his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission
> >
> > parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
> >
> > the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying
> >
> > dead in the middle of his front lawn.
> >
> >
> > He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went
> >
> > like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help
> >
> > you?" "And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at
> >
> > St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front
> >
> > lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take
care of the matter?"
> >
> >
> > Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with
> >
> > a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people
> >
> > took care of the last rites!"
> >
> >
> > There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...... Father
> >
> > O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also
> >
> > obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
FISHING STORY
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been
>
> Asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss
>
> And several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is
>
> a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've wanted so
>
> Would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out
>
> My rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I
>
> Will swing by the house to pick my things up.
>
> Oh! Please pack My new blue silk pajamas."
>
> The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good
>
> Wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following
>
> Weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking
>
> Good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many
>
> Fish? He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few
>
> Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I
>
> Asked you to do?"
>
> The wife replies, "I did. They were in your tackle box!"
>
>
>
>
> Asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss
>
> And several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is
>
> a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've wanted so
>
> Would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out
>
> My rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I
>
> Will swing by the house to pick my things up.
>
> Oh! Please pack My new blue silk pajamas."
>
> The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good
>
> Wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following
>
> Weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking
>
> Good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many
>
> Fish? He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few
>
> Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I
>
> Asked you to do?"
>
> The wife replies, "I did. They were in your tackle box!"
>
>
>
MIXED EMOTIONS
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about Psychology and 'Mixed Emotions' - when the man turned to his wife and said, "honey that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She replied, "You have the biggest penis among all your friends!"
She replied, "You have the biggest penis among all your friends!"
THE BLOND AND THE PREACHER
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved.
The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
No one moved.
The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
MARRIAGE LINES
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
James Holt McGavran, Sr.
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
Sam Kineston
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Ogden Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
#####
David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
James Holt McGavran, Sr.
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
Sam Kineston
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Ogden Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
#####
BUBBA AND COOTER PICK-UP LINES
1) Did you fart?
cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
cuz you just blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
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