Tuesday, December 30, 2008

OLDER WOMEN SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS,
I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE
DAY AND SAID,
'HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP
APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA
BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE
TV -- BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH
A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL!!
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR,
NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV -- BUT I'M
SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP
YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.
SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT
25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND MY WIFE WOULD MAKE
SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A
CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR,
SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV!!
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?
THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR
MID-LIFE CRISES....
#####

PIZZA DECISION

While working at a pizza parlour I observed
a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked
him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before
responding.
'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm
hungry enough to eat 6 pieces....
#####

THEY WALK AMONG US

*One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where???'
####

INSTRUCTIONS

(_x_) kiss my ass

OOPS....

(_*_) a sore ass

'OO RAH!!

(!) a tight ass

OH MY

(__!__) a fat ass

ASSICONS

(_!_)

a regular ass

Monday, December 29, 2008

MAKE UP MY MIND!!

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches
it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back
down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen
window, muttering to herself how men need to be
told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband,
'You need a piece of tail.'
The man turns with a confused look on his face
and says, 'Make up your mind -- Last night, you
told me to go fly a kite!!'
#####

RETIREMENT

Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

LETTER TO SANTA

Dear Santa,

Please send me a baby brotherrr.



Santa wrote back:

"Send me your mother...."

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

BENEFITS OF BEING 50 AND OVER

It is all true...Perks of reaching 50 or being
over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very Interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you Are likely to be
released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you As a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn "The hard way".
07. Things you buy now won't Wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.
09. You can live without sex but Not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments About pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed Limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your Stomach in no matter
who walksInto the room.
13. You sing along with elevator Music.

14. Your eyes won't get much Worse.
15. Your investment in health Insurance is finally
beginning To pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with Your friends because
they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is Finally down
to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who Sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your
convenience.

Forward this to every one you Can remember right now!

AND NEVER, under any circumstances, take a
sleeping pill and a laxative On the same night!!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Quote of the day, no, make that of the year --

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive

a ton of shit."

CHRISTMAS GROANERS

Q: Did you hear about the guy who played golf on Christmas
and accidentally hit a bird?

A: He got a partridge on a par three.


Q: What's red and white and falls down the chimney?

A: Santa Klutz!


Q: How do sheep greet each other on Christmas?

A: Merry Christmas to Ewe!

AUSTRALIAN GASOLINE MARKETING

Queensland Country Petrol Station
A petrol station in country QLD was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'A week later, the same bloke come along, with his mate, Bluey, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.'As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'Blue replied, 'No, it ain't, Bill. It ain't rigged -- my Missus won twice last week!!'

Sunday, December 21, 2008

HEADACHE CURE.....

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked
and was climbing into bed when his wife complained,
as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the
bathroom powdering my penis with crushed
aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository,
it's up to you!!"

Friday, December 19, 2008

PHILOSOPHIC THOUGHTS

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: -

'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jim my Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
#####


THREE FOR THE ROAD

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills,
they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen
the dragons in the kitchen?!!!
============ ========= =
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you
on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,
'Your sense of humor!
============ ========
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and
says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart;
what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid!!'

THE IMPORTANCE OF WALKING

Walking can add minutes to your life.This enables you at 85 years oldto spend an additional 5 months in a nursinghome at $7000 per month.My grandpa started walkingfive miles a day when he was 60..Now he's 97 years oldand we don't know where he is.I like long walks,especially when they are takenby people who annoy me.The only reason I would take up walkingis so that I could hear heavy breathing again.I have to walk early in the morning,before my brain figures out what I'm doing..I joined a health club last year,spent about 400 bucks.Haven't lost a pound.Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',I wash my mouth out with chocolate.I do have flabby thighs,but fortunately my stomach covers them.The advantage of exercising every dayis so when you die, they'll say,'Wel l, she looks good doesn't she.'If you are going to try cross-country skiing,start with a small country.I know I got a lot of exercisethe last few years,......just getting over the hill. We all get heavier as we get older,because there's a lot more information in our heads.That's my story and I'm sticking to it.ANDEvery time I start thinking too muchabout how I look,I just find a Happy Hourand by the time I leave,I look just fine.You could run this over to your friendsBut just e-mail it to them!

BOB AND THE BLOND

> Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around>> 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and> stared up at the TV.>> The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was> covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building> preparing to jump.>> The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll> jump?'> Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'>> The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'>> Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'>> Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy> on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling> to his death.>> The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her> $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'>> Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this> earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'>> The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think> he'd do it again.'>> Bob took the money...

HISTORY LESSON

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch, a legal brothel located in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country and 700 Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze.

Now, if that doesn't make you nervous, what does?

FRIDAYS

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
Despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'


Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
Drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then On Mondays, that's all we do
Is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink
'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry
About getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'


Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from
All over the world, and smoke our lungs out ;If you get cancer - no biggie,
You're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'


Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
Blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't
Matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'



Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day Help yourself to a great big
Bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all
The drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'



Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough...'

DIVORCED BARBIE

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop, goes inside and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The sales person answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for
$19.95, and Divorced Barbie for
$265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie
$265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed sales person rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir ...., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House,
Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's
Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl
'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and
rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting
and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch
and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever
he wanted.
THE END

THE SIMPLE LIFE

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she has a driver's license!!'

WHY A CHRISTMAS TREE IS BETTER THAN A MAN


Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?


It's always erect,
Smells great
Stays up for 12 days and nights,
Has cute balls,
And looks good with the lights on!
_______________________________________

THE BLOND JOKE

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

SANTA'S HONEST ANSWERS.....

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to
read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa *****************************************************



Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world
for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa ****************************************************




Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up
to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some
Legos instead.
Santa ****************************************************




Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa ****************************************************


Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want
to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa ****************************************************



Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget
porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money
at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa ****************************************************




Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa ****************************************************



Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting
a sweater again.
Santa ****************************************************



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't
live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman
does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,

Santa

Saturday, December 13, 2008

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.'.
and then the fight started.


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.
and then the fight started.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. so, I took her to a gas station.. and then the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'. and then the fight started.

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' and then the fight started.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
#####

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I wasmaybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom camehome. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :) 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

A CHRISTMAS TRADITION

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day: When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.....

Friday, December 5, 2008

THE LONDON NEWSPAPERS REPORTING.....

Why we like the BritishTrue Reports from
British life ........!!!

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS --
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur
Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for
North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey
has been charged for the gas used up during the
explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search
for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a
description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and
they don't want the public to know what it looks
like.(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of
inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an
inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed
a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind
speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have
a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had
just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe,
delighted the audience with her reminiscence of
the German prisoner of war who was sent each
week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the
end of 1945, she recalled -'He'd always seemed a
nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up
in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they
spelt out "Heil Hitler''!!( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
#####