STORY WITH A MORAL

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved and etc. etc. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Johnnie was left.
“Johnnie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey,
a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey and threw away the bottle on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break in her pocket, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle
of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol...until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife...till the blade broke. And then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

“ Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?”

“Stay the f... away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!”

HONEYMOON TALE

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia,
Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Paterson, New Jersey to say hello
to his friends. Giovanni said, 'Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?'

Luigi said, 'Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.'

'Whata you mean, Luigi?' asked Giovanni.

'Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia,
she pack a biga basket a food.She brough ta da vino, some nice cigars for
me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The
conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car.
Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch
and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again,
waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'
So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my
biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say,
'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' 'We go to a smokina
car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We
just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da
hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka
Virginia!'

'Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus.

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says:
"Boobs"

SENIOR BIRTHDAY PRESENTS

Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other:
"My 75th birthday was yesterday.
She gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded:
"Wow, that's amazing!!.....
Imagine, an SUV!!..
What a great gift!"
First guy:
"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
******************************************

NEWLYWEDS

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"

SCAM WARNING

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your supplies into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they
start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also August 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 10th, 13th, 16th & 22nd, three times this morning
and very likely again tomorrow.

So tell your friends to be careful.


P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.

HARDWARE ADVENTURE

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,
so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top
shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot?
Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy,
and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot!!"

CELIBACY

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, being from Louisiana, listened to the instructor declare,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men,

'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered,

Gold Medal All-purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy....

THE STATUE

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

THE MORTICIAN

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

THE GOLF EXCUSE

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

INTERNATIONAL MAN LAWS

International Man Laws --

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. Also, thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

26: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with the answer "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

27: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

28: You should know the difference between having guts and balls. The definition of each is listed below:

a. GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

b. "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd

THE THREE BEARS

A far more accurate account of the events that fateful morning.....

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating
my porridge?' he squeaks..

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his
big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he
roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you
idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke
everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy
Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear
who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and
and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn
table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray,
gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace
Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only
going to say this once....


'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!'

ENGINEERS

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

MORE ENGINEERS

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?'

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.'
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog -- now that's cool!!'

MORNING SEX

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally
slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment! My eyes lit up
and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my
lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt
still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

AN ODE TO SPELLCHECKER

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

THREE CONTESTS

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
"First Place!" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering!" says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is this Nancy Pelosi???" asked Pinocchio.

THE FRIEND TEST

This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

After 40 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful.
Why did you stop?' 'I found the remote,' he said.

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

DIRECTIONS

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

LOVE MAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3.. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want... the neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it.)

GOOD COME-BACK

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied,"No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

ONE LINERS

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

THE ECONOMY

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter
asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher
than GM.

The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into
Mexico .

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by
the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Normally I don't send or forward a lot of these, but even by my standards,

it was a bit touching. I want all of my friends to feel what I felt when I read it.

Hope it touches your heart like it did mine.

This is so beautiful.....

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm

black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there!
From what I can remember about that party,
you're lucky you don't bark!"

THE NEW PRIEST

> > An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from
> >
> > his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission
> >
> > parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
> >
> > the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying
> >
> > dead in the middle of his front lawn.
> >
> >
> > He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went
> >
> > like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help
> >
> > you?" "And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at
> >
> > St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front
> >
> > lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take

care of the matter?"
> >
> >
> > Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with
> >
> > a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people
> >
> > took care of the last rites!"
> >
> >
> > There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...... Father
> >
> > O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also
> >
> > obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

FISHING STORY

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been
>
> Asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss
>
> And several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is
>
> a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've wanted so
>
> Would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out
>
> My rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I
>
> Will swing by the house to pick my things up.
>
> Oh! Please pack My new blue silk pajamas."
>
> The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good
>
> Wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following
>
> Weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking
>
> Good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many
>
> Fish? He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few
>
> Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I
>
> Asked you to do?"
>
> The wife replies, "I did. They were in your tackle box!"
>
>
>

MIXED EMOTIONS

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about Psychology and 'Mixed Emotions' - when the man turned to his wife and said, "honey that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She replied, "You have the biggest penis among all your friends!"

THE BLOND AND THE PREACHER

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.