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Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
THE ZEN OF SARCASM
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique--
just like everyone else!!
06. Never test the depth of the water with
both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you criticize them, you're a mile away AND
you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a
day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see
that person again, it was probably a wise
investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days
you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get
to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money
is to fold it in half and put it back in your
pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light
side and a dark side, and it holds the universe
together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with
women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning
much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND 22. Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night!!
#####
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique--
just like everyone else!!
06. Never test the depth of the water with
both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you criticize them, you're a mile away AND
you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a
day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see
that person again, it was probably a wise
investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days
you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get
to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money
is to fold it in half and put it back in your
pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light
side and a dark side, and it holds the universe
together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with
women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning
much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND 22. Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night!!
#####
Sunday, November 2, 2008
BANK ROBBERY
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also."Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner."I think my wife caught a glimpse..."
HALLOWEEN PARTY
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets
into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop
staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you
but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a
nun as long as I have, you get a chance to
see and hear just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say
or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a
nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can
do about that: #1, you have to be single
and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that
would make a hooker blush. But when they
get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you
crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I
must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'oh, that's OK. My name is
Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!!'
#####
into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop
staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you
but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a
nun as long as I have, you get a chance to
see and hear just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say
or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a
nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can
do about that: #1, you have to be single
and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that
would make a hooker blush. But when they
get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you
crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I
must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'oh, that's OK. My name is
Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!!'
#####
MORNING SEX
MORNING SEX
She was standing in the kitchen preparing
to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the
Tee shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and
said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this
very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced
her and then gave it my all.
Right there on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to
the stove, her 'Tee' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken....'
#####
She was standing in the kitchen preparing
to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the
Tee shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and
said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this
very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced
her and then gave it my all.
Right there on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to
the stove, her 'Tee' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken....'
#####
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