Saturday, January 31, 2009

MAJOR MYSTERY

I'm confused ....
How can 2 million people get into
Washington DC in sub-freezing temps
in 1 day....
but 200,000 couldn't get
out of New Orleans at 85
degrees with FOUR days
notice?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

FLU PREVENTION

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and never married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call and she showed him into her quaint sitting room while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ he noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top. The bowl was filled
with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When Miss Beatrice returned with tea and scones
the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this, pointing to the bowl? 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park and found this little package on the ground and the directions said to place on organ, keep it wet and it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'
#####

Monday, January 26, 2009

WHAT I WANT IN A MAN

WHAT LADIES WANT IN A MAN--

§ Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car.
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10 . Shaves some weekends

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

§ What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
3. Has a driver's license.

Send this to the women who will enjoy reading
it and to the men who can handle it!!
#####

Sunday, January 25, 2009

THE PASTOR'S CARD

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are!!!
#####

KIDS IN SCHOOL

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _______
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how *I*
spell it.
____________ _________ _________ _________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula
for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ____
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing
we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________ _________ _________ ______
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than
you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: "I is..."
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________ _________ _________ ___
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped
down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand!
____________ _________ _________ ________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say
prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________ _________ _________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
____________ _________ _________ _____
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who
keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher!!
#####

THE NURSE

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse And tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller And without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great.... Some asshole's got my Pen!

TWO QUOTES


'My friends, we live in the greatest nation

in the history of the world.
I hope you'll join with me as we try to
change it!!'
-- Barack Obama

''Life's tough......it's even tougher if
you're stupid.''
-- John Wayne
#####

NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

THE FLAT TIRE AND THE BLOND

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.. It wasn't long before a Highway Patrolman pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! ''What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly. "Well, what the Hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Well,,,,,,Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers"!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

THE FISHING TRIP

A man calls home to his wife and says,
"Honey I have been Asked to go fishing at a
big lake up in Canada with my boss And several
of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that
promotion I've wanted so Would you please
pack me enough clothes for a week and set out
My rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I Will swing by
the house to pick my things up.
Oh! Please pack My new blue silk pajamas too."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being
a good Wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he comes home a little tired
but otherwise looking Good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught
many Fish?
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and
a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue
silk pajamas like I Asked you to do?"
The wife replied sweetly, "I did. They were in your
tackle box!"
RUT ROW......
#####

THE LONG ARM OF THE LAW

A Policeman recently stopped a woman for
exceeding the posted speed limit.
He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim
Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of
Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Columbia."
The cop put away his summons book and pen,
and said,
"Well, uhhh, ok, but don't let me catch you
speeding again!!"
#####

CORRECT SPEAKING IN AMERICA

Due to the climate of political correctness now
pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and
West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE
POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

=================

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE
POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
2. 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
3.

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


4. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


5. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL BUTT' - He develops a case
of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'


8. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - it's
'REAR CLEAVAGE'
#####

Friday, January 23, 2009

LIGHTBULB

THE "SERVICE" CONCEPT

I became confused when I heard these terms

with reference to the word 'service'.
Internal Revenue 'Service'

U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
State, City & County Public 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.!!
But today, I overheard two farmers talking,
and one of them said he had hired a bull to
'service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand
what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us!!
I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

#####

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

TELEVISION EXPLAINED

"Television has to be a medium,
because anything well done is rare."
- Fred Allen

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

KIDS TAKE ON THE SEA

Children write about the sea:

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny! tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
#####

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear Walter, I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ul tim atum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps, Walter

Saturday, January 17, 2009

REWARD

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head. In a booming voice, God said,
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'God said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time, and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make my woman truly happy.'
And God replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
#####

JUST ENOUGH

An old man goes into a drug store to buy
some Viagra.
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist
'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'
'I'm 96' said the old man. 'I don't want an erection,
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss
on my slippers!!'
#####






RETIREMENT

I've often been asked, "what do you old folks
do now that you're retired?"
Well,...I'm fortunate to have a few friends
who have chemical engineering backgrounds,
and one of the things we enjoy most is turning
beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis into urine.
And, we're pretty damn good at it too!!
#####

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

APHORISMS

Aphorism: A short, pointed sentence expressing
a wise or clever observation.
some examples:
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
#####

THE TAXI DRIVER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver
a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, Lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped
just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,
and then the still shaking driver said,
'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and
said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could
frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab...................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
#####

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

POLITICAL SPIN

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher here in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory.
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Congressman Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'
NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks!
That's real POLITICAL SPIN!!
#####

THE NUN AT HOOTERS

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in the re wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" " No thank you , but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

Thursday, January 8, 2009

FINANCIAL PLANNING

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.

'Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
#####

Monday, January 5, 2009

HAVING FUN

Maybe we should all try things like this!!The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was this cop writingout a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'McCain in '08'. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important to my health.

Friday, January 2, 2009

GOD'S SENSE OF HUMOR

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do,so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car? He said, "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said,
"Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today.

I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
"Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!!"
Isn't GOD GOOD??!! :-)
#####

SENIOR LOVEMAKING TIPS

SENIOR LOVEMAKING TIPS

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is

actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off
in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial
before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case
you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't
end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually
complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors
are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the
good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
(I sent this in large type so you can read it.)
#####