Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car,
I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option. I will win!!
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything,
I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.
You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
BOB HOPE....
TESTING EDIT FEATURE
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon -- Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon -- Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
$1,000 an inch
It's $1000 an inch
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened.
I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck,
and we were unable to find it.
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation
coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work
as well as your old one did - - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.
It's $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this."So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches
you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a
five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this
time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man."
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor."
"We're getting a new kitchen....."
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened.
I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck,
and we were unable to find it.
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation
coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work
as well as your old one did - - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.
It's $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this."So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches
you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a
five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this
time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man."
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor."
"We're getting a new kitchen....."
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008:
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when they fall down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather - -
It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world IS Weird and people take Prozac to make it look normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 :
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers - -
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow!!"
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when they fall down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather - -
It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world IS Weird and people take Prozac to make it look normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 :
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers - -
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow!!"
POLITICAL WISDOM
hey Everyone, check out my new
RANT BLOG.... you can VOTE and
leave a RANT for everyone to see!!
www.NationalRantPage.BlogSpot.com
"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself.-Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.-Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.-G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
RANT BLOG.... you can VOTE and
leave a RANT for everyone to see!!
www.NationalRantPage.BlogSpot.com
"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself.-Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.-Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.-G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Thursday, January 3, 2008
THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS
HEY EVERYONE... VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE,
and post your RANTS and comments here!!
After Christmas===
'Twas the week after Christmas,
and all through the house
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled,
the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber!!)
I'd remember the marvelous
meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces
and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls,
the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said,
"No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So away with the last of
the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake,
every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits,
or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot
and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome,
and life is a bore.
But isn't that what
January is for?
Unable to giggle,
no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all
and to all a good diet!
#####
and post your RANTS and comments here!!
After Christmas===
'Twas the week after Christmas,
and all through the house
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled,
the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber!!)
I'd remember the marvelous
meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces
and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls,
the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said,
"No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So away with the last of
the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake,
every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits,
or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot
and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome,
and life is a bore.
But isn't that what
January is for?
Unable to giggle,
no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all
and to all a good diet!
#####
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
VIRUS ALERT
I just thought you may need to know about these......
be on the lookout for these new computer viruses:
Lorena Bobbit Virus
turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy
Woody Allen Virus
bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Tonya Harding Virus
turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Paul Revere Virus
warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:..
Ronald Reagan Virus
saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
Oprah Winfrey virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly
expands to 300MB
AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for
the AT&T virus
Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an
"electronic microorganism."
Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn
thing quits
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back
Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is
fine
Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which
does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most
important part of your computer
Congressional Virus 1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem
Congressional Virus 2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow
the user to accomplish anything
Airline Virus
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes
very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive
PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money
Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again
LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases
them in "self-defense."
O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your
files and vows to find the virus that did it.
#####
be on the lookout for these new computer viruses:
Lorena Bobbit Virus
turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy
Woody Allen Virus
bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Tonya Harding Virus
turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Paul Revere Virus
warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:..
Ronald Reagan Virus
saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
Oprah Winfrey virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly
expands to 300MB
AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for
the AT&T virus
Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an
"electronic microorganism."
Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn
thing quits
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back
Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is
fine
Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which
does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most
important part of your computer
Congressional Virus 1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message
appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem
Congressional Virus 2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow
the user to accomplish anything
Airline Virus
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes
very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive
PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money
Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again
LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases
them in "self-defense."
O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your
files and vows to find the virus that did it.
#####
GREAT BEER QUOTES
GREAT BEER QUOTES
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.
**Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to
keep your mouth shut.
**Ernest Hemingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has
taken out of me.
**Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
**Plato
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
**W.C. Fields
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
**Benjamin Franklin
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
**Humphrey Bogart
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like
to pee a lot.
**Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
**Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
**Homer Simpson
I drink to make other people interesting.
**George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
**Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend
time with his fools.
**For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do
this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
**Homer Simpson
And don't forget Andy Capp's response to the irate Flo's remark
of "There's more important things in life than Beer you know!!!!"
"Yeah? Name One!!"
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it
helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least you need a beer.
**Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to
keep your mouth shut.
**Ernest Hemingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has
taken out of me.
**Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
**Plato
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
**W.C. Fields
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
**Benjamin Franklin
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
**Humphrey Bogart
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like
to pee a lot.
**Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
**Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
**Homer Simpson
I drink to make other people interesting.
**George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
**Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend
time with his fools.
**For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemmingway
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do
this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
**Homer Simpson
And don't forget Andy Capp's response to the irate Flo's remark
of "There's more important things in life than Beer you know!!!!"
"Yeah? Name One!!"
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
The Pickle Factory
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed
there for a number of years when he came home one day to
confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He
had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later,
Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that
something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
#####
there for a number of years when he came home one day to
confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He
had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later,
Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that
something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
#####
Modern Day Noah
(Ain't this the truth)
And the Lord spoke to Noah & said: "In six months I'm going to
make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water & all the
evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people,
and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering
you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered
the specifications for the Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear
and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better
have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain
began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard,
weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where
is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there
were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark
construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So i had to
hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over
whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors
objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my
front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning
commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because
there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to
convince U.S.Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls.
But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the
carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone
would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going
on the boat and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals,
and got sued by animal rights group. They objected to me taking
only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA
notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They
didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the
conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers
wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians
I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming
I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just
got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I
really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five
years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not
going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has".
#####
And the Lord spoke to Noah & said: "In six months I'm going to
make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water & all the
evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people,
and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering
you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered
the specifications for the Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear
and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better
have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain
began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard,
weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where
is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there
were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark
construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So i had to
hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over
whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors
objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my
front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning
commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because
there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to
convince U.S.Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls.
But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the
carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone
would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going
on the boat and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals,
and got sued by animal rights group. They objected to me taking
only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA
notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They
didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the
conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers
wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians
I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming
I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just
got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I
really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five
years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not
going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has".
#####
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