Those teachers are so smart :-)

Those teachers are so smart --

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion
years by Professor Bonk (his real name), and his course is
semi-affectionately
known as "Bonkistry". He has been around forever.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking chemistry
and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and mid-terms and labs,
etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A.

These friends were sooooo confident going into the final that the
weekend before finals week (even though the chem final was on Monday),
they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

They did this, and had a great time. However, with their hang-overs
and everthing, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back
to Duke until early monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then...they found professor Bonk after
the final and explained to him why there missed the final. They told him
that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back
in time to study, but that they ad a flat tire on the way back and didn't
have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time...and so were late
getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the
final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved, and
very proud of their story.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk
had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test
booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem,
which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points.
"Cool" they thought, "This is going to be easy". They did that problem
and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what
they saw on the next page......

Which tire??? (95 points)!!
#####

THINGS A TEXAN WILL NEVER SAY

Things You'll Never Hear a Texan Say:
* I don't have a favorite college team.
* We don't keep firearms in this house.
* Checkmate!
* Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
* You can't feed that to the dog
* I thought Graceland was tacky.
* No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
* Wrasslin's fake.
* Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
* We're vegetarians.
* Do you think my hair is too big?
* I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
* Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
* Who's Richard Petty?
* Give me the SMALL bag of pork rinds
* Deer heads detract from the decor.
* Spitting is such a nasty habit.
* I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
* Trim the fat off that steak.
* Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
* The tires on that truck are too big.
* I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
* I've got it all on a floppy disk.
* Unsweetened tea tastes better.
* Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
* My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
* I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
* Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
* She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
* Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
* Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" we haven't seen.
* Hey, here's an episode of "Dukes of Hazard" we haven't seen.
* I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
* Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
* Elvis who?
#####

A FARM STORY

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she
went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating
dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they
were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating. She looks
at them with wonder because she's never seen anything like this before
so she asks the boy,
"What are they doing?"
He says "They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing his sticking in there?" She ask.
"Oh, uh, that's his rope" he answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she ask.
He says "Those are his knots"
She says, "Oh, Ok I got it."
As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks
at him and says,
"I want you to make love to me the way those animals were."
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.
While they're getting at all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and
squeezes.
"Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts.
The girl innocently (??) replies,
"I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!!"
#####

Judge Judy

Judge Judy to prostitute,
"So when did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping away tears,
"When the check bounced."