Two nuns were shopping at a Safeway store.
They were passing by the beer, wine, and liquor
section. Sister Mary Xavier asked Sister Mary Joseph
if she liked beer.
Sister Mary Joseph confessed that she secretly liked
the brew, but she would feel very uncomfortable
about purchasing it.
Sister Mary Xavier replied that she would handle
that without a problem, then picked up a six-pack
and took it to the cashier. Noticing the cashier's
surprised look, Sister Mary Joseph said,
'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under
the counter, put a package of pretzel sticks in the
bag with the beer and said, 'The curlers are on me!!'
#####
Monday, June 30, 2008
THE RANCHER
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?' Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?' The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves' 'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?' The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?' 'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud. 'Wow! That's correct, ' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?' 'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . Now give me back my dog.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
DOG POOP
I'm reminded of the time Catherine -- an
8-year old girl in our neighborhood -- told
me she wanted to be President one day.
Both of her parents, VERY liberal Democrats,
were standing there with us. I asked
Catherine, “If you were President what would
be the first thing you would do?”
Catherine replied, “I would give houses to
all the homeless people.”
“Wow, what a worthy goal you have there
Catherine,” I told her (while both parents
beamed),
“But you don't have to wait until you're
President to do that. You can come to my
house and clean up all the dog poop in the
back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars.
Then we can go over to the grocery store
where the homeless guy hangs out, and
you can give him the $5 dollars to use
towards a new house.”
Catherine thought that over for a second,
and then replied,
“Why doesn't the homeless guy come over
and clean up the dog poop himself, and
you can pay him the $5 dollars.”
“Catherine,” I said, “Welcome to the
Republican Party....”
##### :-)
8-year old girl in our neighborhood -- told
me she wanted to be President one day.
Both of her parents, VERY liberal Democrats,
were standing there with us. I asked
Catherine, “If you were President what would
be the first thing you would do?”
Catherine replied, “I would give houses to
all the homeless people.”
“Wow, what a worthy goal you have there
Catherine,” I told her (while both parents
beamed),
“But you don't have to wait until you're
President to do that. You can come to my
house and clean up all the dog poop in the
back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars.
Then we can go over to the grocery store
where the homeless guy hangs out, and
you can give him the $5 dollars to use
towards a new house.”
Catherine thought that over for a second,
and then replied,
“Why doesn't the homeless guy come over
and clean up the dog poop himself, and
you can pay him the $5 dollars.”
“Catherine,” I said, “Welcome to the
Republican Party....”
##### :-)
MID-LIFE CRISES
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 25 YEARS,
I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE
ONE DAY AND SAID,
'HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP
APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A
SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK
AND WHITE TV -- BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY
NIGHT WITH A HOT 22-YEAR-OLD GAL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000 HOME, A $45,000 CAR,
NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M
SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING
UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.
SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT
22-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE
SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING
IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP
CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?
THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR
MID-LIFE CRISES!!!
#####
I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE
ONE DAY AND SAID,
'HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP
APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A
SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK
AND WHITE TV -- BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY
NIGHT WITH A HOT 22-YEAR-OLD GAL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000 HOME, A $45,000 CAR,
NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M
SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING
UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.
SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT
22-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE
SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING
IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP
CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING
A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?
THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR
MID-LIFE CRISES!!!
#####
Saturday, June 28, 2008
MEDICAL PROCEDURES
A man is recovering from surgery when the
Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he
is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter word
the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
---------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband
and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been
at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even
considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my
husband's advice."What do you think?" I asked.
"Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it
all in one."
He's still in intensive care.....
#####
Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he
is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter word
the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
---------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband
and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been
at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even
considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my
husband's advice."What do you think?" I asked.
"Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it
all in one."
He's still in intensive care.....
#####
A BOWL OF CHILI
A young cowboy walks into a restaurant in Phoenix Arizona . He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?' The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.' Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'
Friday, June 27, 2008
60's SONGS -- REVISED AND UPDATED
Herman's Hermits - - - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now!
Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba --- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore!
Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To!
And my favorite:
Willie Nelson - - - On the Commode Again!!
#####
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now!
Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba --- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore!
Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To!
And my favorite:
Willie Nelson - - - On the Commode Again!!
#####
Thursday, June 26, 2008
SURGERY
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon
that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size
because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery
be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery
she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for
confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.
''The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the
surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure
done some time ago.
''And what about the third rose?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit.
He wanted to thank you for his new ears....'
#####
that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size
because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery
be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery
she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for
confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.
''The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the
surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure
done some time ago.
''And what about the third rose?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit.
He wanted to thank you for his new ears....'
#####
ED ZACHARY DISEASE
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off aw your crose. ' The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy, vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not have sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary rike your ass .'
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off aw your crose. ' The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy, vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not have sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary rike your ass .'
CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE??
The Children Are Our Future....
This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc.,
submitted to science and health teachers by elementary,
junior high, high school, and college students:
It is truly astonishing what weird science our young
scholars can create under the pressures of time and
grades. The spellings are the original ones.
1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over
a flame in a test tube.
3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably
carbon monoxide.
4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more
than it can hold.
6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.
7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over
a dead cat.
8. Momentum: What you give a person when they
are going away.
9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope
lives.
10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does
it to the cow instead of the bull.
11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection
against insects.
12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is,
the more extinct it is.
13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down
over the nose.
14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that
the heart until the heart stops.
15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose
until it drops in your throat.
16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.
All water tends towards the moon, because there is
no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
18. Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.
#####
This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc.,
submitted to science and health teachers by elementary,
junior high, high school, and college students:
It is truly astonishing what weird science our young
scholars can create under the pressures of time and
grades. The spellings are the original ones.
1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over
a flame in a test tube.
3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably
carbon monoxide.
4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more
than it can hold.
6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.
7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over
a dead cat.
8. Momentum: What you give a person when they
are going away.
9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope
lives.
10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does
it to the cow instead of the bull.
11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection
against insects.
12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is,
the more extinct it is.
13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down
over the nose.
14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that
the heart until the heart stops.
15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose
until it drops in your throat.
16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.
All water tends towards the moon, because there is
no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
18. Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.
#####
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
MEN!!
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before --
MEN-tal illness
MEN-strual cramps
MEN-tal breakdown
MEN-opause
GUY-necologist
AND ...
When we have REAL trouble,
it's a HIS-terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's
problems start with MEN?
#####
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
Okay, it all makes sense now...
I never looked at it this way before --
MEN-tal illness
MEN-strual cramps
MEN-tal breakdown
MEN-opause
GUY-necologist
AND ...
When we have REAL trouble,
it's a HIS-terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's
problems start with MEN?
#####
PILOT TALK
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
****************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
**************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."
****************************************************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
***************************************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
****************************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
****************************************************************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."
*****************************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
****************************************************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."!
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
*************************************************************************************************
While taxiing at London ¡s Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?-
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
****************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
**************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."
****************************************************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
***************************************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
****************************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
****************************************************************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."
*****************************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
****************************************************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."!
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
*************************************************************************************************
While taxiing at London ¡s Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?-
SURGEONS
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. The head and the ass are interchangeable.
#####
The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. The head and the ass are interchangeable.
#####
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
CHEMICAL ENGINEERING
I've often been asked,
"What do you old guys do now that you're
retired?"
Well...I'm fortunate to have a friend who
has a chemical engineering background,
and one of the things we enjoy most is
turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis
into urine.
And, we're pretty damn good at it!!"
#####
"What do you old guys do now that you're
retired?"
Well...I'm fortunate to have a friend who
has a chemical engineering background,
and one of the things we enjoy most is
turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis
into urine.
And, we're pretty damn good at it!!"
#####
LOSING GRAMPS
DON’T LOSE YOUR KIDS AT THE MALL…
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'
The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'
TICKLING....
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
"I found the remote," he mumbled.
#####
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
"I found the remote," he mumbled.
#####
OLDER COMEDIANS
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville
days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle,
HennyYoungman, and others? You've probably heard of them
before, but don't you miss their humor?
Not one single swear word in their comedy -----
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room
door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip -- I took my
mother-in-law to the> airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear
when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting
it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our
wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom
and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only
for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6- hour time difference.
I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.
When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man
couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another
six months .
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your
check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man
asks,"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says,
"That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor:"Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
"You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started!!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish
women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that
this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it
graduates from medical school!
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with
their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess
horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: FacingBloomingdale's.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said,"Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I
haven't eaten in 38 days."The son said,"That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered,
"Because> I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food in
case you should call."
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he has a part> in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy
says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls
and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to
be a nuisance> to anybody."
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to
kill us, we won, let's eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish
mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three
days." "Force yourself," she replied.
13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a
Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
#####
days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle,
HennyYoungman, and others? You've probably heard of them
before, but don't you miss their humor?
Not one single swear word in their comedy -----
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room
door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip -- I took my
mother-in-law to the> airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear
when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting
it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our
wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom
and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only
for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6- hour time difference.
I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.
When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man
couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another
six months .
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your
check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man
asks,"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says,
"That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor:"Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
"You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started!!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish
women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that
this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it
graduates from medical school!
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with
their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess
horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: FacingBloomingdale's.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said,"Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I
haven't eaten in 38 days."The son said,"That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered,
"Because> I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food in
case you should call."
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he has a part> in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy
says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls
and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to
be a nuisance> to anybody."
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to
kill us, we won, let's eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish
mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three
days." "Force yourself," she replied.
13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a
Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
#####
Monday, June 23, 2008
WHY AM I MARRIED?
WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be
miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.They all said the
same thing:"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,there is no better revenge
than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,"Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"Dad replied,
"That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,"I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
every wor d you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"Second guy remarks,
"You're lucky, mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer:Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand
a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for Patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death!!"
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!! Husband and wife are waiting
at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them
after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded
and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while,
the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind
man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you
put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If YOU had put a rubber
at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus!!"
#####
You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be
miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.They all said the
same thing:"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,there is no better revenge
than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,"Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?"Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"Dad replied,
"That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,"I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
every wor d you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"Second guy remarks,
"You're lucky, mine's still alive."
A Woman's Prayer:Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand
a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for Patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death!!"
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!! Husband and wife are waiting
at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them
after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded
and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while,
the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind
man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you
put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If YOU had put a rubber
at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus!!"
#####
Sunday, June 22, 2008
IRISH VIAGRA
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician
to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.
''Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish
Viagra' It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee.
He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week
to let me know how things went.
'It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear
exclaimed,
'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!
Just terrible, doctor!
''Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee
and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped
straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants
a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me
cups and tablecloth flying, ri pped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!
''Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
your husband provided wasn't good?
''Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show
me face in Starbucks again!!'
#####
to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.
''Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish
Viagra' It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee.
He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week
to let me know how things went.
'It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear
exclaimed,
'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!
Just terrible, doctor!
''Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee
and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped
straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants
a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me
cups and tablecloth flying, ri pped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!
''Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex
your husband provided wasn't good?
''Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show
me face in Starbucks again!!'
#####
TEXAS KULCHUR
Things I learned living in Texas :
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
(my personal favorite!)
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live
in Texas .
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in
Texas , plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite 'cha.
5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. 'Fixinto' is one word.
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only
dinner and then there is supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start
drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with
our sugar.
12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything
about you.'
13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning
'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter
what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.
16. 'No. Jew?' is a common response to the question
'Did you bring any beer?'
17. You measure distance in minutes, use to be six packs.
18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.
22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, TexJoy, Tabasco
and Ketchup.
23. The local papers cover national and international news
on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports
and motor sports, and gossip.
24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.
26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer,
still summer, and Christmas.
27. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as
'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'.
28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees)
as good chile weather.
29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
30. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our Mama says
we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.
31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your
Texas friends and those who just wish they were from Texas .
#####
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
(my personal favorite!)
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live
in Texas .
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in
Texas , plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite 'cha.
5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. 'Fixinto' is one word.
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only
dinner and then there is supper.
11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start
drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with
our sugar.
12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything
about you.'
13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning
'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter
what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.
16. 'No. Jew?' is a common response to the question
'Did you bring any beer?'
17. You measure distance in minutes, use to be six packs.
18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.
22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, TexJoy, Tabasco
and Ketchup.
23. The local papers cover national and international news
on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports
and motor sports, and gossip.
24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.
26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer,
still summer, and Christmas.
27. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as
'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'.
28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees)
as good chile weather.
29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
30. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our Mama says
we can drive, we can drive dag-nabbit.
31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your
Texas friends and those who just wish they were from Texas .
#####
Saturday, June 21, 2008
GAS PUMP MOVIES
CNN reports that gas stations will
start to show PORN movies on the
screen of the pumps so that you
can see someone else get screwed
at the same time you do!!
start to show PORN movies on the
screen of the pumps so that you
can see someone else get screwed
at the same time you do!!
DOG FOOD
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for
Buster the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was waiting in the
check-out line.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had...an elephant??
So since I'm retired with little to do, on impulse I told
her that no, I didn't have a dog, but was starting the
Purina Diet again. I told her I probably shouldn't, because
I'd ended up in the hospital the last time, but had lost
50 pounds before I'd awakened in the intensive care unit
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in
both arms.
I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and the way
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets
and every time you feel hungry, you simply eat one or two.
The food is nutritionally complete and I was going to try
it again.
I have to mention that practically everyone in the line
was enthralled by now.
Horrified, the woman asked me if I'd ended up in
intensive care because the dog food poisoned me?
I told her no, I'd stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's
ass and a car hit both of us!!
#####
Buster the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was waiting in the
check-out line.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had...an elephant??
So since I'm retired with little to do, on impulse I told
her that no, I didn't have a dog, but was starting the
Purina Diet again. I told her I probably shouldn't, because
I'd ended up in the hospital the last time, but had lost
50 pounds before I'd awakened in the intensive care unit
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in
both arms.
I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and the way
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets
and every time you feel hungry, you simply eat one or two.
The food is nutritionally complete and I was going to try
it again.
I have to mention that practically everyone in the line
was enthralled by now.
Horrified, the woman asked me if I'd ended up in
intensive care because the dog food poisoned me?
I told her no, I'd stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's
ass and a car hit both of us!!
#####
THE DRUNK
A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom
blonde a few seats down from him with breasts
size 44DD'S. A fellow at the end of the bar calls
for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides
it down the bar.
It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks
the beer off of her breasts.
This happens a couple more times. The next time,
the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts.
She decks him! He's laying on the floor moaning
and groaning.
'Why do you let the bartender do it?'
She replies, "because he has a licker license!!"
#####
blonde a few seats down from him with breasts
size 44DD'S. A fellow at the end of the bar calls
for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides
it down the bar.
It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks
the beer off of her breasts.
This happens a couple more times. The next time,
the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts.
She decks him! He's laying on the floor moaning
and groaning.
'Why do you let the bartender do it?'
She replies, "because he has a licker license!!"
#####
Friday, June 20, 2008
TELEPHONE POLL
The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's
office asked people living in California whether they think
illegal immigration is a serious problem or not:
29% of respondents answered:
'Yes, it is a serious problem.'
71% of respondents answered:
'No es una problem a seriosa.'
#####
office asked people living in California whether they think
illegal immigration is a serious problem or not:
29% of respondents answered:
'Yes, it is a serious problem.'
71% of respondents answered:
'No es una problem a seriosa.'
#####
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
BREAKING NEWS.....
Breaking News:
CNN reports that gas stations will start showing
PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that
you can see someone else get screwed at
the same time you do!!
CNN reports that gas stations will start showing
PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that
you can see someone else get screwed at
the same time you do!!
KIDS ARE SMART
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
SIX TRUTHS OF LIFE
6 TRUTHS OF LIFE
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus,
or occasionally pee on yourself... You hang in there,
sunshine, 'cause you're freakin' special...
#####
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.
I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus,
or occasionally pee on yourself... You hang in there,
sunshine, 'cause you're freakin' special...
#####
THE PRESCRIPTION
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!!.'
Monday, June 16, 2008
JUST REWARDS
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize
the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went
into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached
them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could
sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening
to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were
busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing
the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk
on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered
him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight
sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only
awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also
awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but
a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up
on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying
attention.
Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.....
#####
young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize
the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went
into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached
them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could
sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening
to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were
busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing
the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk
on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered
him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight
sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only
awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also
awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but
a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up
on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying
attention.
Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.....
#####
VISIT FROM SATAN
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.''
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?'
persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.'
And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,
'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years....'
#####
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.''
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?'
persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.'
And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,
'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years....'
#####
Brooklyn Tony
Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching
on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one,
a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Brooklyn Tony replied, 'You know, my grandfather
lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars
at a time?'
Brooklyn Tony answered, 'No, he minded his own
@#$%^& business!!
on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one,
a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Brooklyn Tony replied, 'You know, my grandfather
lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars
at a time?'
Brooklyn Tony answered, 'No, he minded his own
@#$%^& business!!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
CHINESE BIRTH CONTROL
In 1983, China launched an extensive 12-month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace.
Doctors were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills. The people were encouraged to faithfully practice these techniques.
The following year, the program was declared a failure; the birth rate had actually increased.
The experts were puzzled, until a survey was conducted. The survey revealed that most of the rural Chinese people were faithfully following the birth control techniques; 79 percent of the men were taking the pill every day, and 98 percent of them were carefully putting a condom on their index fingers before sex -- just as demonstrated on TV.
Doctors were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills. The people were encouraged to faithfully practice these techniques.
The following year, the program was declared a failure; the birth rate had actually increased.
The experts were puzzled, until a survey was conducted. The survey revealed that most of the rural Chinese people were faithfully following the birth control techniques; 79 percent of the men were taking the pill every day, and 98 percent of them were carefully putting a condom on their index fingers before sex -- just as demonstrated on TV.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
THE TRUTH
At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate
that most adults are hiding at least one dark
secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth!!"
Little Tommy decided to go home and try it out.
He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother
he said, "I know the whole truth!!"
His mother quickly handed him $20 and said,
"Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father
to get home from work, and greeted him with,
"I know the whole truth."
Tommy's father promptly handed him $50 and said,
"Please don't say a word to your mother!"
Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school
the next day when he saw the mailman at his front
door. Little Tommy greeted him by saying,
"I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately dropped the mail,
opened his arms and said,
"Then come give your daddy a big hug!!"
#####
that most adults are hiding at least one dark
secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth!!"
Little Tommy decided to go home and try it out.
He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother
he said, "I know the whole truth!!"
His mother quickly handed him $20 and said,
"Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father
to get home from work, and greeted him with,
"I know the whole truth."
Tommy's father promptly handed him $50 and said,
"Please don't say a word to your mother!"
Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school
the next day when he saw the mailman at his front
door. Little Tommy greeted him by saying,
"I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately dropped the mail,
opened his arms and said,
"Then come give your daddy a big hug!!"
#####
Friday, June 13, 2008
BUY or RENT ?
I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce.
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year
relationship, it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not
counting attorney's fees and court costs.
On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges
$4,000 PER hour. Crazy, right? But... Had Paul McCartney
employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million
for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+
million).
Value-added benefits are: a 22 year-old hot babe, no begging,
no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put
BOTH legs around you, no bitching or complaining or 'to do'
lists.
Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the
next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with
no legal fees!!
Is it just me, or is it better to rent?
#####
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.
Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year
relationship, it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not
counting attorney's fees and court costs.
On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges
$4,000 PER hour. Crazy, right? But... Had Paul McCartney
employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million
for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+
million).
Value-added benefits are: a 22 year-old hot babe, no begging,
no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put
BOTH legs around you, no bitching or complaining or 'to do'
lists.
Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the
next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with
no legal fees!!
Is it just me, or is it better to rent?
#####
SUMBITCH
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted
to throw a Party & invited all of his buddies & neighbors.
He also invited his friend Leroy, the only Black man in the
neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his
mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing,
eating Shrimp, oysters, BBQ & flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10ft
man-eating gator in my pool & I'll give a million dollars to
anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
'The words were barely out of his mouth when there was
a loud splash & everyone turned around & saw Leroy in the
pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator & kicking its ass! Leroy was
jabbing the Gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing
punches, head butts & Choke holds, biting the gator on the
tail & flipping the gator through the air like some kind of
Judo Instructor. The water was churning & splashing
everywhere. Both Leroy & the gator were screaming &
raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator & let it float to the top
like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out
of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says,
'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something!
You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex &
some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked,
'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed
me into the pool!!'
#####
to throw a Party & invited all of his buddies & neighbors.
He also invited his friend Leroy, the only Black man in the
neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his
mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing,
eating Shrimp, oysters, BBQ & flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10ft
man-eating gator in my pool & I'll give a million dollars to
anyone who has the nerve to jump in.
'The words were barely out of his mouth when there was
a loud splash & everyone turned around & saw Leroy in the
pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator & kicking its ass! Leroy was
jabbing the Gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing
punches, head butts & Choke holds, biting the gator on the
tail & flipping the gator through the air like some kind of
Judo Instructor. The water was churning & splashing
everywhere. Both Leroy & the gator were screaming &
raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator & let it float to the top
like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out
of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says,
'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something!
You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Leroy.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex &
some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked,
'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'
Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed
me into the pool!!'
#####
Thursday, June 12, 2008
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE MARRIED
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress
are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze
their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras,
stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days
they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend
came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall
stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,"You are the woman
of my life -- I love you!!" Then we made love all night
long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his
office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over
my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't
say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's
house for the night. When my husband came home I was
wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos
and a mask over my eyes.
He came in the door, saw me and said,
"What's for dinner, Batman??"
#####
are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze
their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras,
stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days
they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend
came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall
stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,"You are the woman
of my life -- I love you!!" Then we made love all night
long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his
office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over
my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't
say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's
house for the night. When my husband came home I was
wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos
and a mask over my eyes.
He came in the door, saw me and said,
"What's for dinner, Batman??"
#####
BOYHOOD ADVENTURES
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?
'The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm
a little nervous.
'The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had
that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when
you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze.
'The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.
''WHOA!" the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy.
I had that done when I was born -- Couldn't walk for a year!!'
other outside the operating room the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?
'The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm
a little nervous.
'The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had
that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when
you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze.
'The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.
''WHOA!" the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy.
I had that done when I was born -- Couldn't walk for a year!!'
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
The Prescription
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!! That's against the
law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady calmly reached into her purse and pulled out a picture
of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription.....'
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!! That's against the
law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady calmly reached into her purse and pulled out a picture
of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a
prescription.....'
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
THE CHICKEN AND THE ROAD
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was
time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because
he recognized the need to engage in cooperation
and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side
of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me
uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! --
that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't
about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't
realize that he must first deal with the problem on
'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem
on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do
is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking
on his 'CURRENT'problems before adding 'NEW'problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,
which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead
of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls,
which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so
that he can just drive across the road and not live his life
like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the
road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us.
There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen,you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing theroad....
ANDERSON COOPER:
CNN:We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross,and I was
misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now,
and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You
can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent,hard-working American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken
was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market
to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.
No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, thechicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've
not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? 'That's why they call it the 'other side'!!
Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay!! And if you eat that
chicken, you will become gay too!! I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless
phrases like 'the other side'!! That chicken should not
be crossing the road!! It's as plain and as simple as that!!
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road,and that
was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening
to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story
of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on
to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released 'Chicken 2007', which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer
is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much
more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........reboot....
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road withTHAT chicken. What is
your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!!
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one??
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some
black chickens!!
#####
The chicken crossed the road because it was
time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because
he recognized the need to engage in cooperation
and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side
of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me
uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! --
that every chicken in this country gets the chance it
deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't
about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't
realize that he must first deal with the problem on
'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem
on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do
is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking
on his 'CURRENT'problems before adding 'NEW'problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,
which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead
of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls,
which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so
that he can just drive across the road and not live his life
like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the
road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us.
There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen,you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing theroad....
ANDERSON COOPER:
CNN:We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong road to cross,and I was
misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now,
and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You
can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent,hard-working American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken
was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market
to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.
No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, thechicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've
not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? 'That's why they call it the 'other side'!!
Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay!! And if you eat that
chicken, you will become gay too!! I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless
phrases like 'the other side'!! That chicken should not
be crossing the road!! It's as plain and as simple as that!!
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road,and that
was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening
to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story
of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on
to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released 'Chicken 2007', which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer
is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much
more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........reboot....
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road withTHAT chicken. What is
your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!!
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one??
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some
black chickens!!
#####
Monday, June 9, 2008
DUAL PORN
BREAKING NEWS:
CNN reports that gas stations will start showing
PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that
you can see someone else get screwed at the same
time you do!!
CNN reports that gas stations will start showing
PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that
you can see someone else get screwed at the same
time you do!!
FAST EDDIE
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.... 'The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!!' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast... He won't even be able toget his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!!
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
THINGS EXPLAINED
Subject: July, 1947
Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, almost exactly 60 years ago,
witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell ,
New Mexico . This is a well-known incident that many say has long been
covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and
organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948,
nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
Certainly hope this piece of information clears up a lot of
things for you. It did for me!!
#####
Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, almost exactly 60 years ago,
witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell ,
New Mexico . This is a well-known incident that many say has long been
covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and
organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948,
nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
Certainly hope this piece of information clears up a lot of
things for you. It did for me!!
#####
Married Life
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage.
"James Holt McGavran"
It's called marriage.
"James Holt McGavran"
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman in spires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
"Sam Kinison"
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
"Patrick Murray"
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Ogden Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it -- once.
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."
#####
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
It's Hell to get old -- OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm
count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar
and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on
the previous day . The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up
Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,
then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,
but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man
replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!!"
(Huh! and you thought it was something else - DIDN'T YOU......
GOTCHA!!)
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm
count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar
and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on
the previous day . The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up
Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,
then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,
but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man
replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!!"
(Huh! and you thought it was something else - DIDN'T YOU......
GOTCHA!!)
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