THE PEANUT

A peanut sat on a railroad track
His heart was all aflutter

Along came the 5:15…

"Tooooot!"….

Peanut Butter !!

(Author unknown, thankfully!)
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BUBBA AND COOTER'S PICK-UP LINES

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in 'em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl
here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something
that would break the ice.'
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me
find him? I think he went inta this cheap
motel room....
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up!!
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WOMEN'S ASS STUDY

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by
the American Psychiatric Association
about women and how they feel about
their Asses.
The results are pretty shocking:
1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their
ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass
is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care --
they love him. He's a good man and they
would have married him anyway!!
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A BLOND COWBOY

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in theworld are you dressed like this?'The Cowboy says: 'Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the road
and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants .. So I did.Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts . So I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...and here I am.'Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist!!!

CORRECT TERMS

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading North America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore ....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'
3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' -
She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'
8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'
9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'
11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'
12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
==============
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'- He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'
6.. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'
7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'
9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'
10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'
11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE '
Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us.
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MORNING SEX

MORNING SEXShe was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggsand toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normallyslept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and saidsoftly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment! My eyes lit upand I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be mylucky day!'Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;right there on the kitchen table.Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirtstill around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO

Catholic Shampoo
While shopping in a food store, two
nuns happened to pass by the beer section.
One asked the other if she would like
a beer. The second nun answered that,
indeed, it would be very nice to have one,
but that she wouldn't feel comfortable
about buying it.
The first nun replied that she could handle
that without a problem. She picked up a
six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look on his
face, so the nun said,
'We use beer for washing our hair; a sort
of shampoo, if you will.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier
reached under the counter, pulled out a
package of pretzel sticks and placed them
in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye,
smiled, and said,
'The curlers are on the house!!'
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SPELL CHECKER

ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
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SENTENCE STRUCTURE

WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS IMPORTANT

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed
it down to one of two people - Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he
decided he would fire the first one who used
the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a
horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went straight to the cooler to take an
aspirin.
The boss approached her and said:
'Debra, I've never done this before but I
have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I really feel
like shit!!'
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SMART BLOND

A girl was visiting her blonde friend,
who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named
Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the
blond. 'They're watch dogs!!'
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THE COWBOY AND THE WATCH

BEST PICK UP LINE I EVER HEARD: A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "'Is your date running late? " "'No" , he replies, "'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "'What's it telling you now? " "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
'The woman giggles and replies , "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

THE PRIEST AND THE ROOSTER

The priest in a small Irish village loved the
rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen
house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went
to feed the birds and discovered that the
cock was missing. He knew about cock
fights in the village, so he questioned his
parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation,
'Has anybody got a cock?' All the men stood
up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong
to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat
stood up. The priest fainted.
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RENTAL AGREEMENT

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl
and agrees to spend the night with her for
$500. He spends the night with her but before
he leaves, he tells her that he does not have
any cash with him, but he will have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office he regrets what he
has done, realizing that the whole event was
not worth the price.
So he has his secretary send a check for $250
and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check
in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount
agreed upon, because when I rented the
partment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied: 2) that there
was plenty of heat: and 3) that it was small
enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been
previously occupied, that there wasn't any
heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following
note:
Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot understand how
you expect a beautiful apartment to remain
unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there
is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed
of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the
landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady!!
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KEY TO A WOMAN

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going
to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll
give you a baby. If you give her a house,
she'll give you a home. If you give her
groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you
her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is
given to her.
So - if you give her crap, she will turn
your entire life into a bucket full of shit....
Love and appreciate all the women in
your life!!
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EMPLOYEE RULES

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

SICKNESS:No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
AN OPERATION:We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
DEATH:
Other than your own:This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Your own:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
ALSO:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,THE MANAGEMENT

GROANERS

Evidence has been found that William Tell
and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the Swiss league records were
unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll
never know for whom the Tells bowled.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
A man rushed into a busy doctor's office
and shouted
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to
be a little patient!!"
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THE NEW PRIEST

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.""Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.""All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.""But Father, protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that....
But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell'
cannot stay on the church roof!!"
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FUNERAL PLANS

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst
into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said,
'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...I'm a gynecologist.'
The proctologist fainted!!
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RETIRED FOLKS

Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our Days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown to go to the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments.

I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket?


He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him 'Barney Fife'.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care..... I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said â€McCain†in 08. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

PILLOW TALK

The New Girlfriend:
A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour
just stroking his privates, something she seemed
to love doing.
Enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
'Why do you love doing that?'
She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'
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POOR OLE

Ole and Sven were sitting in a bar in
northern Wisconsin. Sven said 'Ole I
'ust heard sumeting interesting, da
say dat lions have sex 10 to 15 times a
day'.
Ole replied ' Awww shit, und I ust
joined da Elks!!'
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HAPPY AND SAD

A husband and wife were sitting watching
TV when he turned to his wife and said,
'Honey, tell me something that will make
me happy and sad all at the same time.'
She replied,
'You have the biggest dick of all your
friends!!'
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HELPING THE BLIND

A Jewish lady dining in a fine restaurant
is about to bite into her meal when she
turns to the man sitting alone at the table
next to her.
'Pardon me, sir' she says. 'Your napkin has
fallen on the floor.'
'Oy! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't
know. I'm blindt.'
He reaches down to find his napkin. Once
it's back on his lap, he asks her if he has
spilled any food on his shirt.
'Hardly at all,' she answers, 'just a few
cracker crumbs.'
'Tanks, again, Missus,' he replies, brushing
them off. 'Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know
dese tings.'
A few moments later, he inquires again,
'Do you mind I should ask a poisonal
qvestion?'
'Not at all,' she replies.
'I don't do vell vit de ladies. Do you tink I'm
ugly?'
'You're quite presentable,' she replies. 'That
shouldn't be a problem'
Smiling now, he exults, 'Vat a relief. I vas
alvays afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you.'
A few more moments pass and the lady
speaks up.
'Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?'
she asks.
'Soitenly! Listen, I'll take all de help vat
you've got I vill take,' he answers.
'Lose the Jewish accent.' she replies.
'You're black.....'
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LIFE'S LESSONS

A holy man was having a conversation with
the Lord one day and said, 'Lord, I would
like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'
The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy
man looked in. In themiddle of the room
was a large round table. In the middle of
the table was a large pot of stew, which
smelled delicious and made the holy man's
mouth water. The people sitting around the
table were thin and sickly. They appeared
to be famished.
They were holding spoons with very long
handles that were strapped to their arms
and each found it possible to reach into the
pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because
the handle was longer than their arms, they
could not get the spoons back into their
mouths.
The holy man shuddered at the sight of their
misery and suffering.
The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.'
They went to the next room and opened the
door. It was exactly the same as the first one.
There was the large round table with the
large pot of stew which made the holy man's
mouth water.
The people were equipped with the same
long-handled spoons, but here the people
were well nourished and plump, laughing
and talking.
The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'
'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but
one skill. You see they have learned to feed
each other, while the greedy think only of
themselves.'
Remember... I will always share my spoon
with you. :-)
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FEMALE UROLOGIST

My internist referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday and she is absolutely
gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably
sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why, she said,
''Because I'm trying to examine you...!''
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HOLY E-MAIL

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the unruly behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.Do you know what the e-mail said?










OK, I was just wondering...because I didn't get one either.


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MARKETING RESEARCH

A man doing market research knocked at the door
and was greeted by a young woman with three small
children running around at her feet.
'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever
used the product?'
She said, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'If you don't mind my asking,' he said, 'what do you use
it for?'
'We use it for sex,' she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. 'Usually people
lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain
or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that
most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your
honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell
me exactly HOW you use it for sex?'
The woman said,'I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it
keeps the kids out!!'
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BOXERS OR BRIEFS

a reporter asked Obama what kind of shorts he wore?
Obama replied -- "boxers".

later in the campaign the reporter was able to ask
McCain the same question, boxers or briefs?
and he replied -- "depends".....
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