Wednesday, February 25, 2009
GREAT POEMS
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST
COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
#####
Monday, February 23, 2009
A CHRISTMAS STORY
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy:
"What do you do at Christmas time?"
Patrick addressed the class:
"Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers
and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing
hymns; then we come home very late and we
put mince pies by the back door; then we hang
up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed
and wait for Father Christmas to come with all
our toys."
"Very nice Patrick", she said. "Now Jimmy Brown,
what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church
with Mum and Dad, and we sing caroles, and we get
home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the
chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly
sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and
not wanting to leave him out of the discussion,
she asked,
"Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year....
Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into
the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory.
When we get inside, we look at all the empty
shelves... and begin to sing:
'What a Friend We have in Jesus'.
#####
"What do you do at Christmas time?"
Patrick addressed the class:
"Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers
and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing
hymns; then we come home very late and we
put mince pies by the back door; then we hang
up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed
and wait for Father Christmas to come with all
our toys."
"Very nice Patrick", she said. "Now Jimmy Brown,
what do you do at Christmas?"
"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church
with Mum and Dad, and we sing caroles, and we get
home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the
chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly
sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and
not wanting to leave him out of the discussion,
she asked,
"Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year....
Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into
the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory.
When we get inside, we look at all the empty
shelves... and begin to sing:
'What a Friend We have in Jesus'.
#####
THE WEDDING TEST
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...
It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.....
#####
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...
It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.....
#####
TWO MEN DRINKING
*Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of theEmpire State Building drinking, when the first man turns totheother one and says: 'You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window.'**The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.* *The second guy says, 'What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen!'* *'No, no.. it's true...' said the first man, 'let meprove it to you.' He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor,the high wind whips him around the building and back into the10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man , who is astonished.* *'Oh my God, I saw that with my own eyes! But that must have been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!'**'No, I'll prove it again,' says the first man as he jumps.* *Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.* Once upstairs, he successfully convinces his dubious fellow drinker to try it. 'Well, what the hell,' the second guy says,'I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!'**He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... . Then his body hits the sidewalk... .. Splat!!!!!*
*Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says.....*
*'You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drinking.'*
#####
*Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says.....*
*'You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drinking.'*
#####
LOTTERY WINNER
GUY SAYS TO HIS WIFE:
"Darling, what would you do if i said i've won
the lottery?"
Wife replies: "I'd take half then leave you."
guy says "Excellent! I had three numbers and
won ten dollars. Here's a fiver -- now fuck off!!"
#####
"Darling, what would you do if i said i've won
the lottery?"
Wife replies: "I'd take half then leave you."
guy says "Excellent! I had three numbers and
won ten dollars. Here's a fiver -- now fuck off!!"
#####
Friday, February 20, 2009
BASHING.....
Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Behind every great man is a woman telling him he's ignoring her.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called Wedding Cake.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted.
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
Forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until: They can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Why do they call it PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat but you just can't beat a blowjob.
Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians?
The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off.
How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your date has to chew before she swallows.
How can you tell when a woman is having an orgasm?
Who cares?
The fastest way to discover all your bad habits is to get married
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was nearly impossible.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Behind every great man is a woman telling him he's ignoring her.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called Wedding Cake.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted.
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
Forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until: They can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Why do they call it PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob?
The blowjob. You can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat but you just can't beat a blowjob.
Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians?
The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off.
How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
Your date has to chew before she swallows.
How can you tell when a woman is having an orgasm?
Who cares?
The fastest way to discover all your bad habits is to get married
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was nearly impossible.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
ALL PUNS INTENDED
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.""That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.""Is it common?""Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.""I don't believe you," says Dolly."It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse."But why," they asked, as they moved off."Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
#####
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.""That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.""Is it common?""Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.""I don't believe you," says Dolly."It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse."But why," they asked, as they moved off."Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
#####
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
A TOUCHING RADIO STORY
This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear Lions Bay School ,God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My room-mate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely,Edna
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear Lions Bay School ,God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My room-mate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.Thank you for that opportunity.Sincerely,Edna
SAD FUNERAL
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin and the grave side was piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, as a crusty old man, he was still considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly Dad, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes...
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin and the grave side was piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, as a crusty old man, he was still considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly Dad, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
THE ERRAND
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini
after martini, each time removing the olives and
placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks
consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over
what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me
out for a jar of olives!!"
#####
after martini, each time removing the olives and
placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks
consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over
what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me
out for a jar of olives!!"
#####
HUSBAND DOWN.....
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Coors Light and puts it in
their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife,
and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar
of face cream and pus it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the
wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Coors Light and
it’s half the price!!'
(On the PA system)
'Clean-up needed on aisle 25, we have a husband
down.....'
#####
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Coors Light and puts it in
their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife,
and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar
of face cream and pus it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the
wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Coors Light and
it’s half the price!!'
(On the PA system)
'Clean-up needed on aisle 25, we have a husband
down.....'
#####
RETIREMENT CHOICES
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.3. You ca n drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.3. You know how to eat an artichoke.4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.3. You think Central Park is 'nature,'4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.5. You've worn out a car horn. 6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.3. You have more than one recipe for moose.4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where ...1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
You can live in Colorado where ...1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where ...1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'
AND You can live in Florida where ..1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
#####
You can Live in California where...1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.3. You know how to eat an artichoke.4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.3. You think Central Park is 'nature,'4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.5. You've worn out a car horn. 6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.3. You have more than one recipe for moose.4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where ...1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
You can live in Colorado where ...1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where ...1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'
AND You can live in Florida where ..1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
#####
MODERN TIMES
'I haven't left my house in days.
I watch the news channels incessantly.
All the news stories are about the election;
all the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
Election, erection, election, erection
-- either way we're getting screwed!!'
-- Bette Midler.
#####
I watch the news channels incessantly.
All the news stories are about the election;
all the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
Election, erection, election, erection
-- either way we're getting screwed!!'
-- Bette Midler.
#####
Saturday, February 14, 2009
LONG MARRIAGE
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hatedeach other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could beheard deep into the night.The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of thegrave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because ofthe many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. Theold man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, He diedof a heart attack when he was 98.His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she wentstraight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was notomorrow..Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid thathe may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come backto haunt you for the rest of your life?' The wife put down her drink and said,
'Let him dig. I had him buriedupside down......!!'
Bloody women.... They think of everything!!!!
#####
'Let him dig. I had him buriedupside down......!!'
Bloody women.... They think of everything!!!!
#####
Thursday, February 12, 2009
JOB INTERVIEW
HELP WANTED - Gynecologist's Assistant
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
SOME QUICKIES
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.Stu said,
"I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it
from your mother, cause I still have mine."
#####
"I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it
from your mother, cause I still have mine."
#####
Friday, February 6, 2009
FARMER'S WISDOM
An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot un-say a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll
enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches
you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody
else's dog around.
#####
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot un-say a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll
enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches
you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody
else's dog around.
#####
THE GLOBAL FACTS OF LIFE
The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:
79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
58,000,000 are kissing.
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
and....
1 lonely bugger is reading e-mails.
You hang in there, Sunshine ......
THE NEW LION TAMER
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it - This is one ferocious lion! He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life!!"
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks,
"Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies,
"No problem!! just get that lion out of the way...."
#####
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it - This is one ferocious lion! He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life!!"
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks,
"Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies,
"No problem!! just get that lion out of the way...."
#####
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
QUICK-THINKING GRANDMA
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman
who talked herself out of a speeding ticket
by telling the young officer that she had to
get there before she forgot where she was going??
#####
who talked herself out of a speeding ticket
by telling the young officer that she had to
get there before she forgot where she was going??
#####
JACOB THE COCKULD
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob
the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him
the Pullet Surprise as well.
Clearly Jacob was a politician in the making:
Who else but a politician could figure out how
to win two of the most highly coveted awards
on our planet by being the best at sneaking up
on the populace and screwing them when they
weren't paying attention!!
Do you know a Politician called Jacob??
#####
The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob
the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him
the Pullet Surprise as well.
Clearly Jacob was a politician in the making:
Who else but a politician could figure out how
to win two of the most highly coveted awards
on our planet by being the best at sneaking up
on the populace and screwing them when they
weren't paying attention!!
Do you know a Politician called Jacob??
#####
GRAMPA'S PROBLEM
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over. 'What happened, Grandpa?', he was asked by his concerned children.'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!!'
#####
#####
GRAMPA'S PROBLEM
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over. 'What happened, Grandpa?', he was asked by his concerned children.'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!!'
#####
#####
MOTTOS TO LIVE BY
WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?
When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
TAKE OFF, QUICK!
During a taxi run, the crew of a US AIR flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically. "Now, you've screwed up everything; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
"The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am".
The ground control frequency went terribly silent; none of the air crews wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at the airport was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I FOUND JESUS!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana ,
#####
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?
When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
TAKE OFF, QUICK!
During a taxi run, the crew of a US AIR flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically. "Now, you've screwed up everything; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
"The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am".
The ground control frequency went terribly silent; none of the air crews wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at the airport was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I FOUND JESUS!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana ,
#####
LIFE'S WISDOM
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavran
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut your mouth.
Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavran
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut your mouth.
Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
THE BLACK BRA
I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course, I have been married for years. We were chatting about our relationships and dec ided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
Then I had to share my story: "When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me
he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman??'
#####
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
Then I had to share my story: "When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me
he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman??'
#####
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