Thursday, April 30, 2009

WEDDING SOLUTIONS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother- of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it,' she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress.. After all, it's your special day.' A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'
NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY? SEND IT TO EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW!!! (H T B A P B - HOW TO BE A PERFECT BITCH!!)

FIREMAN STORY


Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a

glass jar on his penis.
A woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a Fireman'!!
'But you're only wearing a glass jar,', says the woman.
'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob
and I'll come as fast as I can!!!'

Saturday, April 25, 2009

UPDATED CLASSIC

This is TOO good!
Yes, this IS what they would do if they were still here!
Read on:

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not?
THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
#####

Friday, April 24, 2009

"OLD" IS WHEN.....

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber
today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!!
#####

SENIOR ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we
were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a
second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to
kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck
on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite
my Neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out
of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!!!"

SUPERSEX

A little old lady was running up
and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
her nightgown and say "Supersex!!"
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!!"
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally
answered, "I'll have the soup...."

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE :
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
#####

WHY WE LOVE RODNEY DANGERFIELD

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said,
'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I' m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

#####

PULL THE CURTAINS

Mick met Paddy in the street and said,

'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains

before making love to your wife in the future?'

'Bejaysus Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick, 'the whole street was laughing

when they saw you making love yesterday.' Paddy said,

'Why the stupid bastards, the laugh's on

them ... I wasn't home yesterday!!'
#####

Monday, April 20, 2009

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME!!

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard..." He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake...."

TOGETHER AT LAST

Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.
Then Ted died of Heart Disease.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Judy remarried, and this time She & John had
5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend,
Margaret: "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st,
2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel....."
#####

Sunday, April 19, 2009

BUBBA

**Bubba, a furniture dealer from West Virginia, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, He decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line
that he thought would sell well back home in West Virginia. To celebrate
the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew
a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed.
To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out
he was in the furniture business.....
#####

GAMES FOR SENIORS

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says - something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
#####

LITTLE BOY ON A BUS

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man
reading a book, and noticed he had his collar
on backwards. The little boy asked, ' Why do you
wear your collar backwards?
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The Little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear
his collar like that’.
The priest looked up from his book and answered,
'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
Grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said,
'I am the Father of Hundreds!’, and went back to reading
his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a long while,
then Leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear
a condom….and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar!’
#####

Thursday, April 16, 2009

TWO NUNS

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down
the back streets of Rome .

One leans over to the other and says,

"I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers,

"It's the cobblestones...."

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

MARG SEASON WARNING

Important Women's Health Issue

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas. Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent youfrom living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas. Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include: Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, Erotic lustfulness Loss of motor control Loss of clothing Loss of money Loss of virginity Table dancing Headache Dehydration Dry mouth And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING:The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.
Thank you!!
#####

Monday, April 13, 2009

THE ELDERLY LADY


An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about preparing a will. The receptionist suggested they set up a convenient time for the spinster to come to the office. "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" the elderly woman asked. The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and went to the spinster's home to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" "I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank," she replied. "Tell me just how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" the lawyer asked. "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on," said the woman." I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!" the lawyer exclaimed. "I need to know what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married and the fact is I've never slept with a man. So before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me just once." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went in. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out, so she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the county bury her!!!"

PRODUCTIVE SENIORS

I've often been asked,
'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?
Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering
background, and one of the things I enjoy most is
turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine!!
#####

WINDEX TIP

I haven't checked ' snopes.com ' to see if this
actually works or not . . .
But they say, If you ever get the sudden Urge to
run around naked, You should sniff some
Windex first -- It'll keep you from streaking.....
#####

GAMES FOR SENIORS

GAMES FOR SENIORS

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says - something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
#####

SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIORS

SPECIAL POEM
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.

The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.


The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

There's always a lot to be thankful for if
you take time to look for it.
For exampleI am sitting here thinking how
nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt!!
#####

THIS JOKE IS SOOOOO BLOND.....

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the
side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)
(You can still delete it)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

EASTER TRADITIONS

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
#####

GREAT EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE FOR WORK

Here are 12 of the most outrageous excuses employees
have heard for being late to work:
1. My heat was shut off so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm.
2. My husband thinks it's funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.
3. I walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn't find the spider, so I had to go inside and shower again.
4. I got locked in my trunk by my son.
5. My left turn signal was out so I had to make all right turns to get to work.
6. A gurney fell out of an ambulance and delayed traffic.
7. I was attacked by a raccoon and had to stop by the hospital to make sure it wasn't rabid.
8. I feel like I'm in everyone's way if I show up on time.
9. My father didn't wake me up.
10. A groundhog bit my bike tire and made it flat.
11. My driveway washed away in the rain last night.
12. I had to go to bingo.
#####

PADDY'S FINGERS

Paddy was working at the fish plant in St. John's,
NFLD when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in the Health Science's
Hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' dem
ingers and I'll see what i can do'.
Paddy said, 'I haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009! We's got microsurgery
and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put
dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring
da fingers?!?
'And Paddy said, 'How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up !!!'
#####