Wednesday, May 27, 2009

PUTTING YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.’ The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.'

“Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.”

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'.



APHORISMS

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE
OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH; ADAGE.


1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.


2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.


3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.


4. Seatbelts are not as confining as wheelchairs.


5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.


6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?


7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.


8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks ?


9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.


10 No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.


11 There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.


12 There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
Like this, it could be a right number.


13 No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.


14 I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15 Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.


16 The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.


17 Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.


18 After 50 if you don't wake up with aches and pains, you are probably dead.

GRAMPA AND VIAGRA

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
When he wasn't looking, mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.


After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, his trousers are wet all over.
'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned grand children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom.
So I took it out and started to pee, but then I noticed it wasn't mine, so I put it back!!



DEAR ABBY.....

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into
or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on
My VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share
half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get
out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental
pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send
him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he IS a
doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote!!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

LIFE'S TRUTHS

Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh. Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day. Have a wonderful day with many ! *smiles* Take the time to live!!!

PROGRESS

A little known fact....
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in
Hockey in 1874.
The first helmet was used in 1974.
It was 100 years, therefore, that it took for
men to realize that the brain is also important.


A WONDERFUL THANK YOU LETTER

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Lions Bay School ,God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine,
and I told her to fuck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,Edna
#####

NEW MEDICAL TERMS

Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria...................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium........................What doctors do when patients die.
Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section...... A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic............................. A sheep dog.
Coma.............................A punctuation mark.
Dilate............................ To live long.
Enema........................... Not a friend.
Fester............................ Quicker than someone else.
Fibula............................ A small lie.
Impotent........................Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain...................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid........................... A higher offer.
Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node.............................. I knew it.
Outpatient.................... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis............................. Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative...............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..............Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................... Nearly killed him.
Secretion...................... Hiding something.
Seizure......................... Roman emperor.
Tablet.......................... A small table.
Terminal Illness......... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour........................One plus one more.
Urine........................... Opposite of you're out.
2xCondoms..................To be sure, to be sure.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

THE MAN RULES


The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story

( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!Please note:

these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done. Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, football, carsor golf.1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -- to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -- to give them a bigger laugh.
#####

TEN RULES FOR DATING MY GRAND DAUGHTER

Ten Rules for Dating My Grand Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, s e x without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to
s e x, I AM the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Have a good day.
#####

AN INCREDIBLE STORY

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.....

#####

LITTLE JOHNNY.... AGAIN

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the
word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said,
"My family went to my grand dad's farm, and we all saw his pet
sheep It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the
word" fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City
and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to
use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she
had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided
there was no way he could damage the word " fascinate", so she
called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!!"
The teacher sat down and cried.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

HOTEL RESERVATION

I booked into a hotel and said to the receptionist,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she says, "it's regular porn, you sick SOB!!"

Saturday, May 9, 2009

CULTURAL DIFFERENCES

WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the
missionary position.

IRISH WOMENFirst Date:
You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMENFirst Date: You take her to a play and
an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom
makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you
and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and
hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend

JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite oral sex.
Second Date: You get more, great oral sex.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and you
never get oral sex again.

CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner,
but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive
dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and
you already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends
a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk
on tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother,
father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother,
all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's
mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his
three kids move in .... and you live on rice and beans
for the rest of your life in your home that used to be
nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT?
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN??!!
#####

QUESTIONS OF LIFE

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out
of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap,

why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from

vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from

morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the

hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,

he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail

address in the first place?
#####

CLASS TIME

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running
start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence
into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back,
went “Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,” but before she could say 'Fuck!,
'the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
#####

Friday, May 8, 2009

LIFE LESSONS FROM MY MOTHER

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me: RELIGION .'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL .'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me: LOGIC .'Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC .'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT .'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me: IRONY 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONIST .'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me: WEATHER .'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY .'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE .'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me: ENVY .'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .'Just wait until we get home!!'
17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING .'You are going to get it when you get home!' 18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE .'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me: ESP .'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me: HUMOR.'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me: GENETICS. 'I swear you're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me: WISDOM 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT JUSTICE 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!
#####

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they

are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes

you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
#####

WHY WEDDING DRESSES ARE WHITE

Son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives
that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to
double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
#####

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

INSULTS WITH CLASS

When Insults Had Class!
These glorious insults are from an era when
cleverness with words was still valued,
before a great portion of the English language
got boiled down to 4-letter words....

1) The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were my husband I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife, I'd drink it.'

2) A member of Parliament to Disraeli: 'Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.' 'That depends, Sir,' said Disraeli, 'whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'

3) 'He had delusions of adequacy.' - Walter Kerr

4) 'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' - Winston Churchill

5) 'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.' - Winston Churchill

6) 'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.'- Clarence Darrow

7) 'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

8) 'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

9) 'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.' - Moses Hadas

10) 'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.' - Abraham Lincoln

11) 'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.' - Mark Twain

12) 'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.' - Oscar Wilde

13) 'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend...if you have one.' - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
14) 'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.' - Winston Churchill, in response.

15) 'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' - Stephen Bishop

16) 'He is a self-made man and worships his creator.' - John Bright

17) 'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.' - Irvin S. Cobb

18) 'He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.' - Samuel Johnson

19) 'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.' - Paul Keating

20) 'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' Jack E. Leonard

21) 'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.' - Robert Redford

22) 'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge .' - Thomas Brackett Reed

23) 'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' - Charles, Count Talleyrand

24) 'He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.' - Forrest Tucker

25) 'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?' - Mark Twain

26) 'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork .' - Mae West

27) 'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.' - Oscar Wilde

28) 'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination.' - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

29) 'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' - Billy Wilder

30) 'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.
But this wasn't it.' - Groucho Marx
#####

BLOND TIME

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND COP!!'

BLOND AGAIN

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
Freshman, sat in her US Government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question, then, finally, said,
'That was the decision George Washington had
to make before he crossed the Delaware.'

Monday, May 4, 2009

A CAT STORY

We were dressed and ready to go out for the
New Years Eve Party. We turned on a nightlight,
turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested
a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front
door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back
into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut
in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to
get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot
pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver
to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out
soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodnight to my
mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,'
I said, as we drove away. 'The old bat was hiding under the bed.
I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had
to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw
her out into the back yard again!!
The cab driver hit a parked car....

VIEWPOINT

We're not old --
we're chronologically enhanced!!

WONDERFUL RODNEY

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki. It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a skunk… Whew!
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning!" He replied, "No, just taking a pee" .
Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.. The “Musical Chairs” was a bit slow…. but my God, “ Pass the Parcel” -- was quick!!!
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic guy shouted, "Hey, what's your disability?" I said, "Tourettes! Now - you.. ?&*^%)#... Get the *@^+$% off my back!!

THESE ARE PRETTY PUNNY

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!!
#####

BIBLE SALESMAN

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?' Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.''Fine job, Jack!'
The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'
Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?' Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?' Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.''Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister! agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'
Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure, ' he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!''
A-a -a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th- h-th-this b-b-b-b-bibleF-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-he re and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'
(Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are!)

Sunday, May 3, 2009

CHURCH PHONES

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to
San Francisco and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs
and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the
vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read
"Calls:$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and
the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone
is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and, if he pays the price,
he can talk directly to GOD.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas, St. Louis,
Chicago, Milwaukee and around the United States, he found
more phones with the same sign and the same answer from
each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in New Mexico, and upon entering a church
in Santa Fe, behold - he saw the usual golden telephone.
But THIS time the sign read
"Calls: 35 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor,
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and
in each church I have found this golden telephone and
have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could
talk to GOD.
But in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute!!
Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied,
"Son, you're in New Mexico now ......
You're in God's Country -- It's a local call...."

Friday, May 1, 2009

HEALTH

SECRET TO A LONG LIFE...
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an

old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar,
so he walked up to her and said,
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look!

What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed,

I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a
whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat
only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid,
and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied.
#####

SENIOR FASHION TIPS

Thoughts On Aging ....

Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are
quite confused about how we should present ourselves.
We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting
and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform
to current fashions.


In spite of what you may have seen on the streets, the
following combinations DO NOT go together and should
be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder
surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. Inline skates and a walker.

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the older
folks...
14. Thongs and Depends
#####
A FARMER FROM Indiana HEARD ABOUT THESE COWS IN A SMALL VILLAGE IN SOUTH DAKOTA THAT WERE REALLY GREAT. GOOD BUILD, GREAT MILK, VERY HEALTHY. HE HOOKED UP HIS TRUCK AND WENT TO S.D. HE SAW THE FARMER THAT WAS SELLING THE COWS. AFTER CHECKING THEM OUT HE ASKED IF HE COULD MILK ONE. SURE SAID THE SELLER. AS HE PULLED THE NIPPLE THE COW FARTED, AGAIN THE SECOND NIPPLE ANOTHER FART. THE SECOND COW THE SAME THING, EVERY PULL THE COWS FART. THE SELLER SAYS THAT IS NORMAL IN THIS AREA, WE THINK THAT IS WHY THE MILK IS SO GOOD. THE FARMER BUYS THE 2 COWS AND TAKES THEM BACK TO Indiana. ALL HIS NEIGHBORS COME OVER TO SEE THE NEW COWS. ONE ASKED IF HE COULD MILK ONE, THE NEW OWNER SAID YES BUT BE CAREFUL. HE SAID DO THEY FART WHEN YOU PULL THERE NIPPLES? HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
HE SAID MY WIFE IS FROM THE SAME AREA.....
#####