MOTTOS TO LIVE BY

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.


I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.



FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.



Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.







Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!



My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.



In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.



A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory



The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.



I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.



I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.



KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.



Dyslexics Have More Nuf.







I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.



Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)







Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?



When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".



money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.



Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.



I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.



Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.



I am having an out-of-money experience.



TAKE OFF, QUICK!

During a taxi run, the crew of a US AIR flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically. "Now, you've screwed up everything; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

"The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am".

The ground control frequency went terribly silent; none of the air crews wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at the airport was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"







Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.



Corduroy pillows are making headlines!



I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.



I FOUND JESUS!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana ,


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