OLDER COMEDIANS

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville
days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle,
HennyYoungman, and others? You've probably heard of them
before, but don't you miss their humor?
Not one single swear word in their comedy -----

There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room
door all night! I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip -- I took my
mother-in-law to the> airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear
when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting
it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our
wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom
and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only
for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

I was just in London - there is a 6- hour time difference.
I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.
When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man
couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another
six months .

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your
check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man
asks,"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says,
"That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor:"Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
"You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started!!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish
women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that
this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it
graduates from medical school!

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with
their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess
horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: FacingBloomingdale's.

7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said,"Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I
haven't eaten in 38 days."The son said,"That's terrible.
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered,
"Because> I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food in
case you should call."

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he has a part> in the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy
says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls
and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to
be a nuisance> to anybody."

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to
kill us, we won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish
mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three
days." "Force yourself," she replied.

13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a
Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

14. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
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