The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.’ The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.'
“Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.”
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
APHORISMS
APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE
OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH; ADAGE.
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seatbelts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks ?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10 No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11 There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12 There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
Like this, it could be a right number.
13 No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14 I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15 Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16 The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17 Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
18 After 50 if you don't wake up with aches and pains, you are probably dead.
OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH; ADAGE.
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seatbelts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks ?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10 No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11 There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12 There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
Like this, it could be a right number.
13 No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14 I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15 Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16 The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17 Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
18 After 50 if you don't wake up with aches and pains, you are probably dead.
GRAMPA AND VIAGRA
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
When he wasn't looking, mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.
After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, his trousers are wet all over.
'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned grand children.
'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom.
So I took it out and started to pee, but then I noticed it wasn't mine, so I put it back!!
When he wasn't looking, mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.
After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, his trousers are wet all over.
'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned grand children.
'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom.
So I took it out and started to pee, but then I noticed it wasn't mine, so I put it back!!
DEAR ABBY.....
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into
or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on
My VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share
half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get
out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental
pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send
him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he IS a
doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember these people can vote!!
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into
or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on
My VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share
half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get
out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental
pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send
him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he IS a
doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember these people can vote!!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
LIFE'S TRUTHS
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh. Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day. Have a wonderful day with many ! *smiles* Take the time to live!!!
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh. Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day. Have a wonderful day with many ! *smiles* Take the time to live!!!
PROGRESS
A little known fact....
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in
Hockey in 1874.
The first helmet was used in 1974.
It was 100 years, therefore, that it took for
men to realize that the brain is also important.
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in
Hockey in 1874.
The first helmet was used in 1974.
It was 100 years, therefore, that it took for
men to realize that the brain is also important.
A WONDERFUL THANK YOU LETTER
This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear Lions Bay School ,God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine,
and I told her to fuck off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,Edna
#####
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.
Dear Lions Bay School ,God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine,
and I told her to fuck off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,Edna
#####
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