THINGS EXPLAINED

Subject: July, 1947

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, almost exactly 60 years ago,
witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell ,
New Mexico . This is a well-known incident that many say has long been
covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and
organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948,
nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
Certainly hope this piece of information clears up a lot of
things for you. It did for me!!
#####

Married Life

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage.
"James Holt McGavran"

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman in spires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
"Sam Kinison"


I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
"Patrick Murray"

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Ogden Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it -- once.
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."
#####

It's Hell to get old -- OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm
count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar
and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on
the previous day . The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up
Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,
then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,
but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man
replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!!"

(Huh! and you thought it was something else - DIDN'T YOU......
GOTCHA!!)

Those teachers are so smart :-)

Those teachers are so smart --

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion
years by Professor Bonk (his real name), and his course is
semi-affectionately
known as "Bonkistry". He has been around forever.

Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking chemistry
and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and mid-terms and labs,
etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A.

These friends were sooooo confident going into the final that the
weekend before finals week (even though the chem final was on Monday),
they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

They did this, and had a great time. However, with their hang-overs
and everthing, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back
to Duke until early monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then...they found professor Bonk after
the final and explained to him why there missed the final. They told him
that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back
in time to study, but that they ad a flat tire on the way back and didn't
have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time...and so were late
getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the
final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved, and
very proud of their story.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk
had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test
booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem,
which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was
worth 5 points.
"Cool" they thought, "This is going to be easy". They did that problem
and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what
they saw on the next page......

Which tire??? (95 points)!!
#####

THINGS A TEXAN WILL NEVER SAY

Things You'll Never Hear a Texan Say:
* I don't have a favorite college team.
* We don't keep firearms in this house.
* Checkmate!
* Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
* You can't feed that to the dog
* I thought Graceland was tacky.
* No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
* Wrasslin's fake.
* Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
* We're vegetarians.
* Do you think my hair is too big?
* I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
* Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
* Who's Richard Petty?
* Give me the SMALL bag of pork rinds
* Deer heads detract from the decor.
* Spitting is such a nasty habit.
* I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
* Trim the fat off that steak.
* Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
* The tires on that truck are too big.
* I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
* I've got it all on a floppy disk.
* Unsweetened tea tastes better.
* Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
* My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
* I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
* Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
* She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
* Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
* Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" we haven't seen.
* Hey, here's an episode of "Dukes of Hazard" we haven't seen.
* I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
* Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
* Elvis who?
#####

A FARM STORY

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she
went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating
dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they
were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating. She looks
at them with wonder because she's never seen anything like this before
so she asks the boy,
"What are they doing?"
He says "They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing his sticking in there?" She ask.
"Oh, uh, that's his rope" he answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she ask.
He says "Those are his knots"
She says, "Oh, Ok I got it."
As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks
at him and says,
"I want you to make love to me the way those animals were."
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.
While they're getting at all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and
squeezes.
"Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts.
The girl innocently (??) replies,
"I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!!"
#####

Judge Judy

Judge Judy to prostitute,
"So when did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping away tears,
"When the check bounced."