In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant....
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
BECAUSE WE'RE MEN.....
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car,
I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option. I will win!!
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything,
I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.
You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option. I will win!!
_________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything,
I wouldn't know where to start."
We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
______________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.
You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
BOB HOPE....
TESTING EDIT FEATURE
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon -- Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon -- Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
$1,000 an inch
It's $1000 an inch
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened.
I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck,
and we were unable to find it.
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation
coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work
as well as your old one did - - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.
It's $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this."So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches
you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a
five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this
time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man."
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor."
"We're getting a new kitchen....."
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened.
I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck,
and we were unable to find it.
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation
coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work
as well as your old one did - - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.
It's $1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this."So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches
you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a
five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this
time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man."
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor."
"We're getting a new kitchen....."
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008:
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when they fall down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather - -
It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world IS Weird and people take Prozac to make it look normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 :
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers - -
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow!!"
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when they fall down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather - -
It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world IS Weird and people take Prozac to make it look normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008 :
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers - -
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow!!"
POLITICAL WISDOM
hey Everyone, check out my new
RANT BLOG.... you can VOTE and
leave a RANT for everyone to see!!
www.NationalRantPage.BlogSpot.com
"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself.-Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.-Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.-G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
RANT BLOG.... you can VOTE and
leave a RANT for everyone to see!!
www.NationalRantPage.BlogSpot.com
"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed."Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself.-Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.-Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.-G Gordon Liddy
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Thursday, January 3, 2008
THE WEEK AFTER CHRISTMAS
HEY EVERYONE... VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE,
and post your RANTS and comments here!!
After Christmas===
'Twas the week after Christmas,
and all through the house
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled,
the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber!!)
I'd remember the marvelous
meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces
and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls,
the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said,
"No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So away with the last of
the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake,
every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits,
or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot
and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome,
and life is a bore.
But isn't that what
January is for?
Unable to giggle,
no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all
and to all a good diet!
#####
and post your RANTS and comments here!!
After Christmas===
'Twas the week after Christmas,
and all through the house
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled,
the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store
(less a walk than a lumber!!)
I'd remember the marvelous
meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces
and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls,
the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said,
"No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So away with the last of
the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake,
every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits,
or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot
and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome,
and life is a bore.
But isn't that what
January is for?
Unable to giggle,
no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all
and to all a good diet!
#####
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