A husband and wife were sitting watching
TV when he turned to his wife and said,
'Honey, tell me something that will make
me happy and sad all at the same time.'
She replied,
'You have the biggest dick of all your
friends!!'
#####
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
HELPING THE BLIND
A Jewish lady dining in a fine restaurant
is about to bite into her meal when she
turns to the man sitting alone at the table
next to her.
'Pardon me, sir' she says. 'Your napkin has
fallen on the floor.'
'Oy! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't
know. I'm blindt.'
He reaches down to find his napkin. Once
it's back on his lap, he asks her if he has
spilled any food on his shirt.
'Hardly at all,' she answers, 'just a few
cracker crumbs.'
'Tanks, again, Missus,' he replies, brushing
them off. 'Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know
dese tings.'
A few moments later, he inquires again,
'Do you mind I should ask a poisonal
qvestion?'
'Not at all,' she replies.
'I don't do vell vit de ladies. Do you tink I'm
ugly?'
'You're quite presentable,' she replies. 'That
shouldn't be a problem'
Smiling now, he exults, 'Vat a relief. I vas
alvays afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you.'
A few more moments pass and the lady
speaks up.
'Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?'
she asks.
'Soitenly! Listen, I'll take all de help vat
you've got I vill take,' he answers.
'Lose the Jewish accent.' she replies.
'You're black.....'
#####
is about to bite into her meal when she
turns to the man sitting alone at the table
next to her.
'Pardon me, sir' she says. 'Your napkin has
fallen on the floor.'
'Oy! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't
know. I'm blindt.'
He reaches down to find his napkin. Once
it's back on his lap, he asks her if he has
spilled any food on his shirt.
'Hardly at all,' she answers, 'just a few
cracker crumbs.'
'Tanks, again, Missus,' he replies, brushing
them off. 'Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know
dese tings.'
A few moments later, he inquires again,
'Do you mind I should ask a poisonal
qvestion?'
'Not at all,' she replies.
'I don't do vell vit de ladies. Do you tink I'm
ugly?'
'You're quite presentable,' she replies. 'That
shouldn't be a problem'
Smiling now, he exults, 'Vat a relief. I vas
alvays afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you.'
A few more moments pass and the lady
speaks up.
'Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?'
she asks.
'Soitenly! Listen, I'll take all de help vat
you've got I vill take,' he answers.
'Lose the Jewish accent.' she replies.
'You're black.....'
#####
LIFE'S LESSONS
A holy man was having a conversation with
the Lord one day and said, 'Lord, I would
like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'
The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy
man looked in. In themiddle of the room
was a large round table. In the middle of
the table was a large pot of stew, which
smelled delicious and made the holy man's
mouth water. The people sitting around the
table were thin and sickly. They appeared
to be famished.
They were holding spoons with very long
handles that were strapped to their arms
and each found it possible to reach into the
pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because
the handle was longer than their arms, they
could not get the spoons back into their
mouths.
The holy man shuddered at the sight of their
misery and suffering.
The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.'
They went to the next room and opened the
door. It was exactly the same as the first one.
There was the large round table with the
large pot of stew which made the holy man's
mouth water.
The people were equipped with the same
long-handled spoons, but here the people
were well nourished and plump, laughing
and talking.
The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'
'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but
one skill. You see they have learned to feed
each other, while the greedy think only of
themselves.'
Remember... I will always share my spoon
with you. :-)
#####
the Lord one day and said, 'Lord, I would
like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'
The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy
man looked in. In themiddle of the room
was a large round table. In the middle of
the table was a large pot of stew, which
smelled delicious and made the holy man's
mouth water. The people sitting around the
table were thin and sickly. They appeared
to be famished.
They were holding spoons with very long
handles that were strapped to their arms
and each found it possible to reach into the
pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because
the handle was longer than their arms, they
could not get the spoons back into their
mouths.
The holy man shuddered at the sight of their
misery and suffering.
The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.'
They went to the next room and opened the
door. It was exactly the same as the first one.
There was the large round table with the
large pot of stew which made the holy man's
mouth water.
The people were equipped with the same
long-handled spoons, but here the people
were well nourished and plump, laughing
and talking.
The holy man said, 'I don't understand.'
'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but
one skill. You see they have learned to feed
each other, while the greedy think only of
themselves.'
Remember... I will always share my spoon
with you. :-)
#####
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
FEMALE UROLOGIST
My internist referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday and she is absolutely
gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably
sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why, she said,
''Because I'm trying to examine you...!''
#####
I saw her yesterday and she is absolutely
gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably
sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why, she said,
''Because I'm trying to examine you...!''
#####
HOLY E-MAIL
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the unruly behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.Do you know what the e-mail said?
OK, I was just wondering...because I didn't get one either.
#####
OK, I was just wondering...because I didn't get one either.
#####
Monday, September 1, 2008
MARKETING RESEARCH
A man doing market research knocked at the door
and was greeted by a young woman with three small
children running around at her feet.
'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever
used the product?'
She said, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'If you don't mind my asking,' he said, 'what do you use
it for?'
'We use it for sex,' she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. 'Usually people
lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain
or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that
most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your
honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell
me exactly HOW you use it for sex?'
The woman said,'I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it
keeps the kids out!!'
####
and was greeted by a young woman with three small
children running around at her feet.
'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever
used the product?'
She said, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'If you don't mind my asking,' he said, 'what do you use
it for?'
'We use it for sex,' she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. 'Usually people
lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain
or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that
most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your
honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell
me exactly HOW you use it for sex?'
The woman said,'I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it
keeps the kids out!!'
####
BOXERS OR BRIEFS
a reporter asked Obama what kind of shorts he wore?
Obama replied -- "boxers".
later in the campaign the reporter was able to ask
McCain the same question, boxers or briefs?
and he replied -- "depends".....
#####
Obama replied -- "boxers".
later in the campaign the reporter was able to ask
McCain the same question, boxers or briefs?
and he replied -- "depends".....
#####
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