I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said
I was doing 'fairly well'.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
ribs?'
I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all
red meat is very unhealthy!!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun like playing golf,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you party with friends, drive fast cars,
travel alot, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,
'Then, why do you even give a shit??'
#####
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
HEALTH NEWS
Subject: Funny, but true
Would be funnier if there wasn't an element of truth to it.
Good Info To Have
After an exhaustive review of the research literature,
here's the final Word on nutrition and health:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks Than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer Heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like....
Speaking English is apparently What kills you.
But don't worry, your Government is trying to
correct this Problem.....
#####
JOB OPENING
HELP WANTED - Gynecologist's Assistant
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details?' he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'
RUGBY PLAYERS
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.
'Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe..."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?""In heaven", replies Joe.
"I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, is that there's rugby in heaven!!
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here,
too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still,
it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we
never get tired."
"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest
dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news?'"
"Well.... you're in the team for Tuesday....."
#####
One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.
'Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe..."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?""In heaven", replies Joe.
"I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, is that there's rugby in heaven!!
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here,
too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still,
it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we
never get tired."
"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest
dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news?'"
"Well.... you're in the team for Tuesday....."
#####
Thursday, March 5, 2009
MORE PHILOSOPHY
Make love, not war.
--Hell, do both-- GET MARRIED!!
--Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
--Revolution Books, New York , New York .
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of
progress? Congress!
-- Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington , DC
Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
-- Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
--Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
-- Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA
and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have
trouble with it.
--Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX
______________________________
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a
lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, and she does.
________________ _____________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU
ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
'You're next!!'
They stopped after I started doing the same
thing to them at funerals.
#####
RELIGIOUS TRUTHS
Four Great Religious Truths
During these serious times, people of all faiths
should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the
leader of the Christian world.
4. Southern Baptists do not recognize each other
at Hooters.
#####
During these serious times, people of all faiths
should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the
leader of the Christian world.
4. Southern Baptists do not recognize each other
at Hooters.
#####
RESTROOM PHILOSOPHY
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
--Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a light switch away.
-- Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together and have the time
of our lives!!
--Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
--The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LA
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is
sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
--Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
--Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't
been anywhere.
--Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ
#####
--Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a light switch away.
-- Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together and have the time
of our lives!!
--Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
--The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LA
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is
sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
--Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
--Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't
been anywhere.
--Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ
#####
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