Thursday, July 3, 2008
ANOTHER BLOND JOKE
A strawberry blonde was mowing her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat who was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART! Why WAL-MART?? HELLOOOOOOOOO! WAL-MART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!
THE TALKING DOG
The Talking USMC Dog!
A guy was driving around the back woods ofTennessee,
and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style
house:
'Talking Dog for Sale '.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him
the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking
Beagle sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog
talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I
could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help
the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn
into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United
States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is
'The Devil Dogs'.
In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders;
because no one figured a dog would be eaves dropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and
I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to
settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years),
and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess
of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner
what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are
you selling him so cheap?'
Because he's such a bull shitter ... He never did any
of that shit -- He was in the Navy!!'
#####
A guy was driving around the back woods ofTennessee,
and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style
house:
'Talking Dog for Sale '.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him
the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking
Beagle sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog
talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I
could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help
the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn
into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United
States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is
'The Devil Dogs'.
In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders;
because no one figured a dog would be eaves dropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and
I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to
settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years),
and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security, wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess
of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner
what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are
you selling him so cheap?'
Because he's such a bull shitter ... He never did any
of that shit -- He was in the Navy!!'
#####
ITALIAN LOGIC
An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he
calls his grandson to his bedside.
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my
chrome-plated 38 revolver so you always
remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns.
Howz about you leava me your Rolex
watch instead?'
'Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna
runna da business. You gonna have a
beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home
and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna comma home and
maybe find your wife inna bed with another
man. Whadda you gonna do then ...
Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'?
#####
calls his grandson to his bedside.
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my
chrome-plated 38 revolver so you always
remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns.
Howz about you leava me your Rolex
watch instead?'
'Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna
runna da business. You gonna have a
beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home
and maybe a couple a bambinos.
Somma day you gonna comma home and
maybe find your wife inna bed with another
man. Whadda you gonna do then ...
Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'?
#####
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
REDNECK CHURCH
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .....
the finance committee refuses to provide funds
for the purchase of a chandelier because none
of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the
5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish,
and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
when the pastor says, 'I'd like to ask Bubba to
help take up the offering,' five guys and two
women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
a member of the church requests to be buried
in his 4-wheel-drive truck because 'It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of' (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the choir is known as the 'OK Chorale'.
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
in a congregation of 500 members, there are
only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
people think 'rapture' is what you get when you
lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized 'Wheeling'
washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered
with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the collection plates are really hubcaps from a
'56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
instead of a bell you are called to service by a
duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the minister and his wife drive matching pickup
trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church If ...
the communion wine is Boone's Farm 'Tickled Pink'.
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
'Thou shall not covet' applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if...
the final words of the benediction are, 'Y'all come
back now, Ya hear!!'
God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!
#####
the finance committee refuses to provide funds
for the purchase of a chandelier because none
of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the
5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish,
and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
when the pastor says, 'I'd like to ask Bubba to
help take up the offering,' five guys and two
women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
a member of the church requests to be buried
in his 4-wheel-drive truck because 'It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of' (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the choir is known as the 'OK Chorale'.
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
in a congregation of 500 members, there are
only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
people think 'rapture' is what you get when you
lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized 'Wheeling'
washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered
with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the collection plates are really hubcaps from a
'56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
instead of a bell you are called to service by a
duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the minister and his wife drive matching pickup
trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church If ...
the communion wine is Boone's Farm 'Tickled Pink'.
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
'Thou shall not covet' applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if...
the final words of the benediction are, 'Y'all come
back now, Ya hear!!'
God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!
#####
SNOW WHITE
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs
(A Political Fable)
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the
mine early each morning. As always, Snow White
stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare
their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the
lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible
cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst,
Snow White began calling out, hoping against
hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear
me? Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope,
she heard a faint voice from deep within
the mine, singing .....
'Vote for John McCain! - Vote for John McCain!!'
Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself
and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God!
At least Dopey is still alive!!'
#####
(A Political Fable)
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the
mine early each morning. As always, Snow White
stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare
their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the
lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible
cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst,
Snow White began calling out, hoping against
hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear
me? Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope,
she heard a faint voice from deep within
the mine, singing .....
'Vote for John McCain! - Vote for John McCain!!'
Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself
and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God!
At least Dopey is still alive!!'
#####
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
WISDOM OF AGE
An Interview with An 80-year-old Woman--
the local news station was interviewing an
80-year-old lady because she had just gotten
married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her
life, what it felt like to be marrying again at 80,
and then about her new husband's occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered. He then
asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little
about her first three husbands and what they did
for a living.
She paused for a few moments, explaining that
she'd first married a banker when she was in her
early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her
40s, later on a preacher in her 60s, and now in
her 80s, a funeral director.The interviewer looked
at her and asked why she had married four men
with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for
the money, two for the show, three to get ready,
and four to go!!'
#####
the local news station was interviewing an
80-year-old lady because she had just gotten
married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her
life, what it felt like to be marrying again at 80,
and then about her new husband's occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered. He then
asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little
about her first three husbands and what they did
for a living.
She paused for a few moments, explaining that
she'd first married a banker when she was in her
early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her
40s, later on a preacher in her 60s, and now in
her 80s, a funeral director.The interviewer looked
at her and asked why she had married four men
with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for
the money, two for the show, three to get ready,
and four to go!!'
#####
THE COWBOY
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered
a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young
woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real
cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking
colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences,
pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning
my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding
my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the morning,
I think about women. When I shower, I think about
women. When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat. It seems that
everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later,
a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I always thought I was, But I just
found out that I'm a lesbian.'
#####
a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young
woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real
cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking
colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences,
pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning
my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding
my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the morning,
I think about women. When I shower, I think about
women. When I watch TV, I think about women.
I even think about women when I eat. It seems that
everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later,
a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I always thought I was, But I just
found out that I'm a lesbian.'
#####
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