THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH AND EDNA

The love story of Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

Computer Terminology

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your
state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say
"Gee, three times faster than the computer I
bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store
and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and
money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed
by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after
spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard - The standard way to generate
computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make
computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after
purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force
businessmen to work at home, on vacation,
and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to
any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk
from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing
ALL of your software.
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NEXT OF KIN

Two hillbillies were sitting on a porch talking one afternoon.

After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

HEADLINES

Newspaper Headlines
March Planned For Next August
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal
by Landslide
Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull
Him Through
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time
in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
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THE MAID

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked:
"Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Señora, there are three reasons
why I want an increase. The first is that I iron
better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a
better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better
cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better
lover than you."
Wife (really furious now):
"Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora, the gardener did!!"
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THE DRESS

Her big church wedding was fast approaching and my friend was delighted to hear that her Mom, emerging from a nasty divorce, had finally found the perfect mother-of-the-bride dress. Two days later, she was shocked to learn that her new young stepmother had purchased the same dress.

She asked her stepmother to buy another dress since her Mom had already altered her purchase. Her new stepmother refused. After two more weeks of frustrating shopping, the bride's Mom found a dress that was not as nice as the first, but would serve. When asked by a friend what she would do with her original dress, she grinned and replied,
"I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
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A NEW LEXUS

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to
browse, and spotted the most beautiful,
perfect 'loaded' Lexus - and walked over
to inspect it closer. As she bent forward
to feel the fine leather upholstery, an
unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped
her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked
around to see if anyone had noticed.
There standing behind her was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her,
'Good day, Madame. How may we help you
today?'
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication
and acting as though nothing had happened,
she smiled back and asked,
'Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?'
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied,
'Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you
farted just touching it, you're gonna shit
when you hear the price!!
#####

NEW 401 K PLAN

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air
lines stock one year ago, you would have
$49 left.
With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50
left of the orginal $1000.
With AIG, you would have less than $15
left.
But, if you purchased $1000 worth of
beer one year ago, drunk all the beer,
then turned in the cans for the aluminum
recycling refund, you would have $214 cash.
Based on the above, the best current
investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.
It's called the 401-keg.
I think I'll start this weekend!!
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MENOPAUSE JEWELRY

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my
mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to
monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a
good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
frickin' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Dumb ass....
#####

MURPHY IN CHURCH

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to
Mass. What made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that McGlynn had a hat just like my hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday.

I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left my hat!!"
#####

TIT FOR TAT

One evening, a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. ' Sandy ', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!
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GRAMMAR LESSON

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
One day during lessons on proper grammar,
the teacher asked for a show of hands from
those who could use the word beautiful in
the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful
dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael. "My mummy planned
a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on little
RALPHY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told
my father that she was pregnant, and he said
'Beautiful -- just f***ing beautiful!!''
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BLACK TESTICLES

BLACK TESTICLES
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing
an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young
student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask.
'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check.
Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and
heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes
her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises
is gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says
very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen
very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k??'
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HOLLYWOOD SQUARES

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares
and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the
days when " Hollywood Squares" game show
responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as
they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking
the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little
heads under water long enough.

Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump,
at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady
drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as
5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that
way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to
sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping
me awake!!

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a
stranger at a party and you think that he is
attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him
if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No -- wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to
diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than
three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with
a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and
"I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming
from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture
more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing
old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture
you'll never forget!!

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too
easily.

Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow
strawberries. Are you going to get any during
the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy
growing strawberries....

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss
two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics,
what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the
bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm
always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will
wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what
would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never
be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there
anything wrong with getting into the habit
of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part
of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it
certainly isn't neglected!!

Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa
put horseradish on his head, what was he
trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of
time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my
elephant?

Q.When a couple have a baby, who is
responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car,
the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that
he firmly believes in them and has actually
seen them on at least two occasions.
What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are
two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE
WE GROW OLD -- WE GROW OLD BECAUSE
WE STOP LAUGHING!!
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SICK DAY

CHINESE SICK LEAVE :
'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says,
'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt,
I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow,
I really need you today. When I feel sick like you
do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work.
You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
'I do what you say and I feel great!
I be at work soon......
By the way..... you got nice house!!'
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